CeCe Lamberts

(12 December 1969 / Smallvile, Greece)

I wanna cry


I wanna cry for everything I've missed
I wanna cry for my youth that's gone by
I wanna cry 'cause today I realize that I've lost my soul
I wanna cry for the endless violation of my personna
For the humiliation of who I am and what I can achieve.

I wanna cry 'cause I can't pretend any more
It's incredibly difficult to wear the smiling mask that everybody expects from you
I wanna cry 'cause I'm weak, small and worthless, and at the same time too old to do what I wanna do
I wanna cry 'cause I wanna be a kid again but I can't,
I wanna cry 'cause I grew too old, too fast
I wanna cry for the freshness and sponteneity that I can't find in me anymore

I wanna cry 'cause I need a warm hug to embrace me, but I can't find one
'Cause even the parental hug that opens up demands and expects wisdom from me
'Cause people around me won't let me be frivolous and make mistakes
I wanna cry 'cause I'm tired of being strong
I wanna break
Wanna break into hundreds of little pieces
Like the twin towers after a terrorist attack

I wanna fall
I wanna be left alone by everyone to fall
I wanna go low, real low,
So low that nothing will matter any more
Why won't you let me fall?
Let me fall and don't give me your advice
I wanna fall low, where all my life I was told I belonged, low,
And once I'm low, I wanna hide
In clouds of smoke and sin, in the anonymity of being low
Maybe then I can emerge strong again
I wanna fall but I fear I'll take others with me
I fear I may take my three little angels with me
And I must stand by them strong once again and not fall.

I wanna cry
I wanna curl up in my bed and cry for hours, maybe for days, weeks, months,
How long should I cry to wash away a life of 20 years?
I wanna cry lots of tears
I wanna cry floods of tears, hoping to wash and cleanse my soul
Hoping to wash away the life that diminished and devalued my ego for so long
That made me have no respect for my self
That made me reject my own soul and my own laughter
That made me feel ashamed for who I am
That made me feel guilty for even existing.

I wanna cry floods of tears
And when I'm done crying I wanna drink my own tears
I wanna drink my tears to quench my thirst
To quench my thirst for life, for laughter, for fun, for company, for people
To quench my thirst for love, for acceptance, for empathy
My thirst for simple, little, everyday, normal things.

It's awful to be thirsty all your life
It's awful to live a life dehydrated from happiness
My thirst isn't gonna get quenched easily like that
I've been dehydrated for so long and plain water won't be enough
I need IV drips and drugs
I need to lie down with the IV drips in my arms
Doing nothing but recover
'Cause my dehydration is chronic and is making me ill
One by one my systems are failing
I don't know if I can make it, if I can survive this.

I wanna cry but I can't
The tears of redemption aren't running
Life has taught me not to cry
Life's made me tough, feeling no pain or joy
Couldn't survive otherwise
But it's time to take out this steel suit of armor
I want to feel this unbearable pain
To feel my lost youth
To feel the deep rejection and the spit on my face
To feel my non-existing happiness, the void of despair of lost time
To feel the offenses, the lies, the dirt
To feel the hate of this man that was so close to me all these years
To feel his derogatory and frozen look
To feel the hopelesness of all my efforts
To feel how useless everything I gave my life for was
To feel this pain that's so familiar to me, and...cry.

Written on September 4,2006

Submitted: Monday, March 19, 2007
Edited: Friday, February 04, 2011

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Comments about this poem (I wanna cry by CeCe Lamberts )

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  • Peter Stavropoulos (7/16/2007 8:02:00 PM)

    Very powerful poem, almost made me cry reading it. The problem isn't you CeCe, can I say that? I hope writing the poem helped. I enjoy your work. (Report) Reply

  • Ian Chew (6/15/2007 8:41:00 AM)

    Sincerely cried out of a wounded heart. A lump of regret stuck in a throat. Rich with the beauty of life. (Report) Reply

  • Roy Storey (5/1/2007 5:34:00 PM)

    A long poem, to say your lost, so am i you can only do your best you are still young. the sun dos shine still on a good day, Take care Roy. (Report) Reply

Read all 3 comments »

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