I'Ve Gone Back ~ Part 5 Poem by Mary Nagy

My parent's bedroom was
the ''forbidden zone''.
The rare times we were allowed in
were only to bring in
a glass of ice-water in the morning
to fight the nasty hang-over.
To show we were upset
about the night before
would have been cause for
serious trouble...never speak
of the night before.

Although I know I risk ''trouble'',
I open the door.
The bed is empty.
Neatly made with a quilted bedspread,
sheets, and pillows.
I can't keep the anger from strangling me.
Where did the bedding come from?

The closet stands neatly organized
with mom's vast wardrobe.
''Special orders'' from the catalogs
still hang, never worn.
I would've worn that!
Her dresser is decorated
with bottles of nail polish
in every color you could imagine.
I resist the urge to touch them...
my training still deeply embedded.

I enter their bathroom to find
a similar mess as the main bathroom.
Another dirty bucket sits
awaiting a flush.
The small wastebasket under the sink
is overflowing with wadded up balls
of feminine supplies....most of which
hit the floor nearby the basket
but remain on the floor.
My stomach fights to hold back
the vomit that I feel churning.
Running from their room
I don't stop running until I reach
the door I entered in the kitchen.
Before I can leave I look to my left
and see the stairs that lead to
the basement.