I Can Never Be Chinaski Poem by RIC BASTASA

i like him, in fact
i have all his poems
printed
and every night
before i sleep i read
chinaski
teaching me
about his poetry

he talks
to me & that is enough
of chinaski

i am
just myself, this man wanting
also to talk to
himself
in a

boring monologue
and i pretend
i too can write
my own poems
and versions
of the

great chinaski

finally, i get tired
pretending and imitating his kind
of manly, hoarse, candid, direct
straightforward voice
guts
firm, strong, determined words

i rise
from my weakness and stand
naked before this mirror

i am not chinaski and i can never be
chinaski
i still have a well kept hair
a smooth chin
i still keep some clean sheets
of paper on my table
a glass of water
to cool my throat
from this chaos

no empty bottles
filling my room or scents
of whores and
radio music of beethoven
or mozart

i only have this silence
pervading
still remembering
and wondering

how can i start
being a chinaski
when i still
keep being

me, oh, i am still me, and
yes, perhaps, i still like this being me

nobody