How Do You? Poem by Saturday Chikezie Promise

How are you still with me?
After all the screaming and anger,
after everything flies out of my hands?
Where do you find inside you to
still love me like the first day?
Everyday I put you through hell,
everyday I make you feel what it
would be like to live a normal life
without the everyday hassles
that protrude from my lips.
It's no wonder you doubt our future
and no wonder why you feel insecure
about us taking the next step.
I still hurt inside from the past,
at times it eats me up inside and
all I want to do is disappear.
It might not have been much to you
but to me, it was my world.
I became someone different,
someone jealous and insecure and
that's what I've had to feed off on.
I've lost myself in the process and
wish to have my happiness back as well
but it's harder to leave this place.
Once I walked into this torment,
the door was shut behind me
and the key thrown out.
I've been searching for it ever since.
I think I'm getting warmer...
I have to seclude myself for a while,
think hard and deep, change.
If I want to be with you,
then this is how it's going to have to be.
Please forgive me for all
the heartaches I've caused you.
Please forgive me for not putting
all the trust, faith and confidence in you
that you need and have continuously asked for.
Please know that it's not that I don't want to
or that I think you don't deserve it.
Just picture it like taking a risk
without anything to lean on
In the end, I could have it all or
lose it once and for all.