Heartshot Kid Disaster Poem by Andrus Cassian

Heartshot Kid Disaster



Apologies are due
Apologies are due
yet I am not the one to say them
Apologies are due but
but I am not the one
not today to give them
Fir all I have to give is a need to vent
a need to utter what crawls under my skin
I realize it's been my signature
it's been my angle to cease cryptic language
and just to be straight forward
yet I just don't know how to say any of this
From first to last
the very first time I've felt the urge
to scribble down my emotions
to feel noticed, to feel... well wanted
up till now
my reasons have most commonly been the same:
A girl
Is it wrong
is it so wrong
that I'm the moon looking for a sun to encompass me
that I'm dying grass looking for a rose to bring beauty to me
that I'm just one more fragile human being looking for love
Not to me
but to the universe, it's one of the greatest crimes
Everytime I get the courage, the strength to try
like a leech
the love is drained from me by abandonment
the love is drained dry from me by treachery
or I just become a withering old man
composed of dreams and promises
yet to others I'm just a boring husk of wasted space
Wasted space...
I'm just wasting space
well so it's clearly depicted
Look at what I'm dealing with
One moment, one day
I have it all
the means to bear through my existence
I have all I could need
For once, me and my family were finally getting along
For once, I had all my friends behind me
beside me, rooting for me
being there for me every step of the way
I had someone to call a hopeful romance
I had someone for myself
and then...then it all left
like dominoes...it just all toppled over
My jenga tower of life
it all tumbled, like I'm a toy soldier
easily commanded by a child of an entity
who just enjoys to see me suffer
Suffer
How much longer do I have to suffer a blow to my heart
Why is love so fickle
cause I'm stuck here again
ONCE MORE AGAIN! ! !
once more again...
I have no recollection of what I call her in my memoirs
but just as well I might as well erase her
She paints me red with rage
while I try to paint myself white for comfort
She comes running back to me
she comes heart in hand
her manner of seduction strong....
AGH! ! !
Why does temptation always deceive me
I am a fool
it's been the basis of our interaction
but granted, it's all my fault
I fail to resist the call
and it was my very call that first started it all
so now I fall like rocks similar to her words
I love you
Bah, I trade I love you now
in exchange for I hate you
but the more I say I hate you
I want to push you as far away as I can
For all these years
I thought you were mine
you were mine before
so why mine couldn't you stay
Fatal sky, why do you laugh and scorn me so
I loathe this deceivery
yet I can't curse you
The love ones that bear your company
I cannot forsake
so I hate and despise everything here
so I hate and despise myself
while I'm unable to share tears of my self pity
the rain does that for me
AGH! ! !
I DEFY YOU STARS! ! !
but I am wrong...
It is you who defy me
defy my string of wishes I deliver to you at the hour of 11
So for then second time tonight
I silence myself with sleep
praying for a better week I know will never come
For the second time tonight
I silence myself
with a sigh, a heartshot kid disaster
Turning a thought over in my head:
I hate you...
you're a leech I can't rid myself of
you're the reason is why I hate instead of love
cause I give up on what I love
for what I love
loves to hate me

Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Topic(s) of this poem: heartache
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