Grey Matter (17 Scots Poems) Poem by Sheena Blackhall

1.Flat Daddies

Yer da’s awa, wee man
He follaes the sodjer’s trade
Bang bang, yer deid! Lie doon!
Thon’s foo a corpse is made

Fit dis he fecht for? Ah!
He maunna speir ower far
As lang as there’s life, there’s strife
As lang as there’s bluid, there’s war

Fit are the richts an wrangs?
The usual, religion an siller
Drugs, politics, hate an fear
Whyles, aa rummelt thegither

Dinna forget yer da,
Littlin, he lues ye true
Here is his photy, kiss it
Flat daddy, he’s real for noo


2.Sklaik

Fa’s the chauncer screived this styte?
Fit’s his angle? Fit’s his gripe?
Fit mair damage micht he dee?
Fit’s that? It micht be a SHE?

Thon’s mair like it. Weemin slaik.
Aa their tongues can dae is claik
Gin I find this nesty hissie
She will claw far she’s nae yokie
I will stop her clishmaclavers
Damn her een! I’m spittin feathers!


3.Dr Sheila Douglas

A Yorkshire lass on her mither’s side,
An Ayrshire cheil, her faither
Aften at sea, as an engineer
In gurly an peacefu weather

At 5 she crossed the border tae bide
In Scotland, in Renfrewshire
An she sang like a liltin lintie there
In the Paisley Grammar choir

She merriet an moved tae the toun o Perth
Far ben in the TMSA
Belle Stewart the traiveller wis her frien
An mony’s the tune they’d play

The seeds war sown for a wechty hairst
Her buiks, her sangs, won praise
Bit sair wis the weird that stole her voice
An bladded her hinmaist days

Gin ghaists cam back frae the warld ayont
She’ll appear as a cheery sang
That the gaun aboot fowk will takk up
Tae chant as they wauk alang


4.Blairgowrie in Mey

Far’s the berries?
Far’s the jams?
Far’s the traivellers singin sangs?

Shops wi geegaws geylike pricey
Traffic crossins unca dicey
Cheese n’ chips tae cairryoot
Hungeret gull: g’wa ye brute!


5.Pitlochry in Mey

Pitlochree! Pilochree!
Cherges 30 pence tae pee
Gweed fur plays….fresh air is great.
Average age is saxty eight


6.Yowes

Aa sheep really dae is ett
An growe a coat tae keep them hett
An syne they’re shorn o aa their oo
An resurrect as mutton stew


7.Mey: Ballater- Braemar

The bonnie larick’s elfin green
The brassy stauns o daffs are blawin
The parks are happt wi infant craps
Fite flooers upon the gean tree’s shawin
The lambs are hardy billies noo
Bricht pee the beds an gowans thrive
Saft wins heist up the furlin craa
The bees heeze oot frae hilltap hive

Anither layer o lichen creeps
Abune the gravesteens frae the mools
Swans drift like snaa abeen the loch
Their een like skinklin ebon jewels

Broon mowdie humphs, like raaas o scones
Brunt crisp, stretch oot alang the stoor
The antrin lum still blaws oot rikk
The Glen Muick kirk bell chimes the oor

Stravaigers, climmers, raik oot buits
Cauld clachans open shoppie doors
A puckle towrists thrang the streets
Reid squirrel’s teemed her winter stores

The Bens that glower tae Coilacreich
Are like braidclaith, patched ower wi sna
The burns that breenge aroon Braemar
Are reamin wi the Sizzen’s thaa


8.Linn o Dee

There’s a twist in the thrapple o Linn o Dee
Like a bubblyjock’s deid thraa
Sae watch yer step…wi a skyte an a whoosh
Like stoor, ye’d be wheeched awa

Doon at the foun, wee saplins wyde
In the watter, sae heich it rins
An the furlpuils deep far the kelpies sleep
Are birlin widdershins

The braes aroon are burgundy
The lift abune is blae
An the mist wyves moosewabs ower the heath
O this neuk far the ernes play


9. The Fit-washin o Tam Mishanter

Aa men o wirth maun sikk a wife
A bidie-in tae share their life
An sae, decidit Tam Mishanter
Leavin ahin the bawdy banter
O gallus chiels fa gied hee-haw
Tae Tam’s ain dearie, Mysie Law
Doon on ae knee he fell tae speir
That they’d be wad wi’in the year

Bit unbekent tae glekit Tam
On Facebuik, Twitter, tae a man
His friens had organised a pairty
For Mysie’d traivelled frae Rosehairty
Tae her hen-do in Lanzarote
Spray-tanned bricht orange. Fit a hottie!
The invitation sune went viral
An sae began Tam’s doonwird spiral

Fin Tam wis in his boxers dowpit
Afore TV he quickly lowpit
Fin near twa hunner guests poored in
Tae a guid auld Scots fitwashin
They clartit him wi superglue
Stuck feathers ower his airms an broo
They tarred his todger, steeped his feet
In tractor ile and sileage weet
They tuik his pet pot-bellied grumphie
An gart it daunce the Reel o Stumpie

They biled his sat nav in the soup
Force-fed him peels for brewer’s droop
A wheen Hell’s Angels frae Dundee
Crashed his Subaru in a tree
His Glenmorangie they drank doon
An fit they scaled, wi Mysie’s goun
They dichtit up, while houghmagandie
Tween Mairi, Calum, Keith an Sandy
Ahin the sofa, on the fleer
Tuik place on ilkie bed an cheer

Syne twenty gays frae East Kilbride
Ten rappers up frae Kelvinside
Wi drums an guitars gied it laldy
Wi bagpipers up frae Kirkcaldy
They caad the hoose tae crockanation
Blootered Tam’s i-pod an play station
Hett chocolate haived ower Mysie’s drawers
Teemed oot the pantry’s tins an jars
On her fite sheepskin rug, sic cowkin!
Wi pish near ilkie carpet bowfin

Tam’s neebors, stinch an godly-kind
Near deaved tae daith an ooto mind
Sune telt the polis o this stooshie
There’s limits tae a local hoolie
Tam’s drink wis spiked, it mashed his heid
He roared an lowped wi unca speed
The polis cam, bit Tam wis vauntie
They tazered him ahin the chunty
While helicopters, SAS
Added tae the puir chiel’s distress
He rummled doon the rubbish shute
An Tam wis sounly knockit oot.

An noo tae casualty he birled
Unconscious. Nichtmares roon him furled
He dreamt he faced Big Jock McGraw
Cage fechter wi an iron jaw
An aa nicht syne in A an E
Tam spent the time in Purgat’ry
Wi stammach pumps, supposat’ries
Tae keep him clear o the DTs

Neist eftirneen, in sheriff coort
He pyed the price for ithers sport
Tagged, fined an peely wally, Tam
Gaed hame tae face a nookie ban
For Mysie on her hett hen-do
Had fand a Spanish chiel tae lue


10. Tell-Tale Tits

Peepin Toms
In their lang johns
Cannae get a wumman
They watch ithers’ cairry-ons

Tell tale tit
Yer mammy cannae knit
Yer daddy cannae gae tae bed
Wioot a dummy tit

Peepin Toms
In their lang johns
Cannae get a wumman
They watch ithers’ cairry-ons


11.Hillie’s Ruck

Back o the byre in the meenlicht
The ruck skinkles like sharn
A strae toll-hoose, stappit wi rottens an squeaks
Stackit an thackit bi skeelie cottar’s hauns

A Van Gogh swirl o starnies owerluiks
This corn-hoose, dwaumin in derk

In the mids o the byre, chynes clank,
As the penned heifers chaa their dubby neeps
Whylst frae the reef tree abeen them
The fite-faced hoolet, Auld Snaaie
Flichters ghaistly oot on his nichtly hunt


12. Ghaists on a Dyke, Glen Gairn

Risin ooto the muir on an Autumn nicht
The ghaist o a tod wheechs by like an eildritch mist
The wraith o a pheasant, ripples ower the stanes
Like the licht o a wattergaw, frae a warlock’s kist
A hoolet raxxes the shade o his soochin wings
Tho his corp in the mill o daith is poodered grist

A Highlander, rins wud frae Culloden’s grun
Back tae the Glen far a coorse Laird gart him list

Fermers, cuddies an ferlies sikk tae bide
Bi the auld stane dyke, stinch bield bi the Gairn’s side
For aathin teemed frae the pooch o Life gyangs back
Tae the mools, the seed bed’s wyme, secret an black


13. Girse

Fusper fusper girses
Fit’s yer story noo?
Did ye see the ferm quine
Steppin ben the dyew?

Did ye see fa catched her
Fa gaed her airm a yark?
Fa cowpit her, fa kittlet her
Fa heistit up her sark?

Fusper fusper girses
See her belly swall
Will she drap the littlin
Doon Hillie’s wall?


14. Neanderthal’s Valentine

Gruntin an pechin, the Neanderthal
Flang his dearie’s Valentine doon afore her

First chaa at the bluidy hairt
O a sabre tooth tiger.


15.Tree Spikk:

Ash:
I am the bow an the spear
Growin in Haly wells
Ma berries in bairnies’ cradles
Pruif agin changelin spells

Elder:
I am the damp cramp bark
Bringin succour tae weemins’ sairs
Ma berries like menstrual bluid
Bring balm tae female cares

Ash:
I am the yggdrasil
The muckle Norse Tree o the Warld
A waukin stick fur the auld
Yule log tae the snaa fire thirled

Elder:
I am fussle an chanter an pipe
Fey music sae slicht an slee
On Samhuin, aneth ma leafy boughs
The Elf King’s fowk ride free

Ash:
Cleave me tae hel a bairn
Passed nyaakit atween ma cleaf
Bound, I will quickle cure
Aa mainner o newborns’ skaith

Elder:
Ma seerip is richtly famed
Tae cure auld bodies o ague
It hauds the witches awa
Pits the hems on the warlock plague


16.The Court Hoose Windae Box

Peem McAndrew, hoosebrakker frae Fersochs
Gien eichteen months community service
Stubs his fag oot in a sweet violet’s face
Sweirs an aiths spew ooto his sewer mou

Donnie McAllister, guitly o connin auld bodachs
Ooto their life savins. Five hunner pun fine.
Pues a pansy ooto the box fur his lapel
Pammers ower the cassies, on the hunt for his neist gowk

Toya Dunnoble, catched wi a bra fu o crack
Lowsed, pendin reports, boos tae sniff a petunia
Toya still guffs o fish in wikk-auld undies
Aff tae pick the bairn up frae her ma
Its face a clart o sweeties, bogies, dirt


17.Alane I glower inno the frost’s fite physog
A Scots owerset o a poem bi Osip Mandelstam (1891-1938)

Alane I glower inno the frost’s fite physog.
It’s gaun naewye, an I—frae naewye.
Aathin ironed flat, pleated wioot a lirk:
Merveillous the breathin plain.

Betimes, the sun gleys at this sterched puirtith—
The gley itsel satisfeed, peacefu...
The ten-fauld wids nearhaun the same...
An snaa crunches in the een, bairnlike, like clean breid.