Escapes Poem by Tiffany Rose Moczydlowski

Out of the corner of my eye
I spot the glimmering weapon
So tempting...
I tear my eyes away
No, I couldn't possibly...
I've been doing so much better...
I steal another glance
The light dances on the razor
Teases me
Begs me to give in
The mirror on the right
Reflects the hollowness in my eyes
So much more dead than alive
The numbness overtaking me
I remember the anger in your eyes
The last look you allowed me to see from you
Something inside me broke
My ability to feel emotion
Shoved down so deep
To prevent
Feeling such
Pain
As I did that day
But is it better than this never ending nothingness?
I need some sensation, anything to confirm
That I'm still alive
Even though I'm not living
My doubt has dissolved
I WAS doing better
But I can't fool myself any longer
The sudden searing pain in my veins
Greets me as an old friend
The first thing I've truly felt
In what seems like an eternity
I slide the sharp blade over my fragile skin
Over and over
Giving myself over to the soothing pain
Lulling me to feel calm
My only proof that I am human
My ability to feel
Only comes out
As I weaken my body with this disgraceful act
Blood sprouting all over my arm
Dripping onto the ground
The contrast of the dark red on the pure white tiles
Is startling
I start to feel dizzy, distant
I had overindulged in my activities
Is that the room spinning?
Or my head?
The world swimming in my eyes
All the color drains from the world
As it had, and still was, draining from
My arm onto the floor
My eyelids suddenly feel like boulders
And I welcome this escape
This blissful escape
From reality
I no longer care
If I go to heaven or hell or
Just disappear into nothingness
Anything is better
Than that haunting
Living death
And as I slip away from this Earth
My only thought is
That now
My suffering
Has finally
Ended