Depression Wins Poem by Andrus Cassian

It's back again
gnawing at my neck, going for the throat
It's back again, staring in my direction
Hungry and hunting
silently waiting until I lower my defenses
My senses are distracted, inactive
I just want a moment to relax
stave off another instance of attack
let me have it at least for more than a moment
a period of peace and good fortune
grant one simple request
I swear to you that I need this
I always need this
Why do you inflict so much suffering upon my flesh
I despise cutting in every single possible way
but if a wound to my flesh
stops this burning hole in my chest
then by all means, give me the biggest knife in the draw
the one to the left
so I can feel the prick of my skin being opened
the wind burning the contents as the blood pours
from an artery I didn't know about
I just wanted to bleed so I could control
one small thing that happens to me
Because I…
Why is it so unbelievable that I want some control of my life
yet my fate is a game being played at a casino table
Why is my fate an afterthought
A game, is that all human life is
Why
Why must I be in the one in my own skin to suffer this
A chaotic misfit who fits in nowhere
This happens too much
I still haven't recovered
from the past two years of wasted time, of wasted struggle
This whole year doesn't know what it's wants to be
...mirroring me
It gave me the best week of my life
yet now I'm stuck dealing through the worst of it
the worst I've ever felt and any moment of relief I manage to obtain
Here, it finds me again, what I've tried to escape
It's back at my throat, trying to steal my heart from my chest
I don't feel love anyway
Just seething anger because it's my own fault in so many words
It's my own fault
It's my own fault...and I hate everything
Alright, screw it
Depression, you've won again
If it makes you happy, sure, steal my life again
If one of us gets to be happy
I was already out of contention anyway
Why does it always have to end…
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