Counting Calories Poem by Dónall Dempsey

Using both hands
I fumbled to unhook your bra.

You told me that action alone
was causing me to burn 8 calories.

Things got a bit more Karma Sutray
as I attempted to unhook(damn this bra!)
with one hand only
(my other hand being busy doing other things) .

You said: “You know
you’re using 18 calories
to unhook it with one hand”.

You slipped it off
in a jiffy.

“You know that in computer jargon
...that’s 10 milliseconds? ”

“No...I didn’t! ” I stammered
getting all hot under the collar.

This was just too much information.

We kissed energetically for an hour

which yes...no...I don’t want to know..
“...burns off 300 calories! ”

“Now, when we make love..”

“Shhh! ” I whispered. “Shhh! ”
silencing her with a kiss.

And yes we had definitely lost weight
(I felt as light as a feather) .
and burned off more calories than I will ever know.

A terrible thought hit me.

“You’re not using me to diet? ”

“Shhh! ” she whispered. “Shhh! ”
silencing me with a kiss.