An Exercise In Mental Analysis Poem by Kat Smith

I blinked back tears
'not today'
or tomorrow
or yesterday
and certainly not in public.
my body shook with the effort of my sorrow.
I stole breath from the air around me.
'please' I pleaded with what ever dared to call itself almighty.
'oh god please don't let me fall again'
my ears burned with the sound of scornful laughter, and the shallowness of life's meaning.
i had realized, standing in the middle of a lunch room that we were all put on this earth as a bloody show. entertainment.
fiddling about with our schedules and our dead lines instead of living like we should.
the irony of our reasoned stupidity is that no matter what we build it will fall or how hard we work or how much air we breath, we will be forgotten.
after all the pain and destruction we've cause and the fear we've struck, what will it be for?
absolutely nothing
i stole another breath
'shut up shut up shut up shut up'
then i realized we all lived for the same thing.
the sum total of all our elation. the deliciousness of our personal satisfaction, the sweetness in our revenge.
and in this life was in all its flaws, perfect.
the beauty found in all of the pain.
our obsession with life's gore
the joy found in a bath of human blood.
we lived for our selves and nothing else, we didn't live for our friends or our lovers, our wives or husbands, our bosses or co workers. we didn't care deeply enough about any of those people to live for them, no.
we are self serving
and in that we are in love with nothing but us.
not her not him not the baby their holding, nothing but our selves.
we strive for the glory of self satisfaction.
our finish line might be something low but we all search for life's climax.
the carelessness of the existence that we seek relentlessly
for the orgasm of ultimate accomplishment and glory.
the empty promise of a better life then what we have no matter how good we have it.
that was it
life meaning
all of it
nothing more
a let down
a completely logical let down
no higher purpose
no god to lead us
only us and nothing else
horribly
disgustingly
grotesquely
perfect