Alcoholics Unanimous Poem by John F. McCullagh

ALCOHOLICS UNANIMOUS

The head of blended Spirits
saw his future looking bleak.
The case sales for Scotch Whiskey
trended downward week to week

What was the cause of this decline?
Why were sales weak as water?
To find out he relied upon
his party loving daughters.

When they reported back to him
He nearly died from shock:
Folks weren’t merely “buying down”
because they were in hock.

Instead they met in basement clubs
And sat on folding chairs
Pouring out their troubles
To such strangers as were there.

They told him of a program
That sounded like a cult:
Twelve steps to salvation-
Start with putting down the cup.

They said the former customers
Had mentors they could call
To talk them out of drinking
if they longed for alcohol.

The head of blended spirits
Hatched a bold and daring plan-
ALCOHOLICS UNANIMOUS
“The Friends of Old Grand Dad”

They’d meet in clubs and taverns
As you might surmise
And sponsored “beer pong” tournaments
with Whiskey as the prize.

The new club had its mentors too
Conveniently right in town
To talk folks into drinking
And to join them in a round.