saadat tahir

Rookie - 894 Points (21011965 / Islamabad-Pakistan)

A Stretch in the Park


Trills and where flowers abound
Humming birds to buzz around.
Busy the crawlys on the ground
And creepies too on their round

Wicker basket hung on a tree
Around it whirs a bumble bee
Draw your neck an a beauty see
Forget-me-nots, a splendor wee

Skulk in shadows, bunch of goons
Iron-wrought an old festoons
Atop those ones, a couple croons
Parting lovers in their swoons

Here a cascade of fuchsias bloom
By the side of the keepers room
In gentle breeze dandelions loom
Lend to the air their fluffy plume

On the cobbles little girls frisk
By their side a historic obelisk
Along that path a Victorian disc
The one in Bermudas on his brisk

Splendor of flowing fountains gush
Call of the cuckoo breaks the hush
Wafting warble of a shiny thrush
Ah the couple, her cheeks are blush

Eldery lady with her stash of tome
Elfin eared, naughty little gnome
Smattering of people out of home
Dash of people with pooches roam

Silvery water in beaten streams
Mosses cling to their stony seams
A car reflects and sometime gleams
Ah! an the couple, in their dreams

(Islamabad)
(May 15,2009)

Submitted: Friday, May 15, 2009
Edited: Saturday, September 01, 2012

Form:


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  • Rookie - 182 Points Karen Sinclair (1/16/2014 7:37:00 PM)

    A lovely stroll through the worlds of Victoriana and contemporary combined. I really loved the visions I saw. Bravo fine poet. Karen (Report) Reply

  • Rookie - 413 Points Yasmeen Khan (4/16/2013 9:00:00 AM)

    a lovely description of a park and you have employed wonderful imagery of birds and flowers to help the reader make a mental picture of the place and rhymes are impressive as it's a discriminating quality of your poetry. (Report) Reply

  • Rookie Lillian Thomas (5/30/2009 2:51:00 PM)

    quite a good poem! you capture the scene in little snippets. I like some of your rhymes, the whole is very inventive and fresh. (Report) Reply

  • Rookie Reshma Ramesh (5/25/2009 11:13:00 AM)

    well penned.......trust me, listen to alison.......she is always rite and has showed me the way all the time........... (Report) Reply

  • Rookie Alison Cassidy (5/22/2009 1:50:00 AM)

    You have shared some delightful images in this poem Saadat, and there are some wonderful witty touches too, but I wonder if your percussive rhyming pattern isn't just too obvious for such a gentle pastoral piece. Rhyming is certainly an important poetic device and can be very pleasing on the ear, but it is possible to rhyme for rhyme's sake, rather than use rhyming to add color and light to your ideas and images. I don't mean to be harsh, just helpful. You obviously have a fine poetic talent. Love, Allie ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ (Report) Reply

  • Rookie Catrina Heart (5/20/2009 1:16:00 PM)

    nature's song written in a great rhyming..............stunning stretch you have painted here.......10 (Report) Reply

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