A Public Apology Poem by Michael Shepherd

Public apologies are the new confessional.

So here goes.

I apologize for not knowing where to start with my apologies.

I apologize for being tainted with the sins of Adam.

I apologize for blaming Eve for the sins of Adam.

I apologize to the Serpent, who was just following orders.

I apologize for the seductiveness of ripe apples on the Tree of Knowledge. I just didn’t know at the time.

I apologize for not taking Genesis 1 literally.

I apologize for not appreciating the allegorical significance of Genesis 1.

I apologize for blaming the Jews for crucifying Christ.

I apologize for not being quicker to blame the relevant parties for the crucifixion of Christ.

I apologize for not giving independence to America sooner.

I apologize to the Native Americans for invading their great God’s-own country.

I apologize to the Native Americans for not stopping them sooner from killing each other’s tribes.

I apologize for entering into business agreements with the chiefs of certain coastal African tribes to bring their captives from their tribal wars to resolve America’s manpower shortage.

I apologize for dwelling on the sufferings of my family in the Holocaust, without considering the mental and emotional agony of those obliged to follow orders to massacre them.

I apologize for messing with Iraq.

I apologize for not doing a better job of messing with Iraq.

I apologize for not being Politically Correct.

I apologize for being Politically Correct.

I apologize for throwing all these things in your face and encouraging you to feel complicit in my guilt.

I apologize for not apologizing sooner.

I apologize for all the things I haven’t the imagination and humanity to apologize for.

Oh to hell with it.