A Letter To An Ancient Lover..Unspoken Words Poem by Bandile Matsenjwa

I loved you.
Better yet,
That's the past tense…
I love you.
I won't deny that it still exists.
And as an artist,
If I tried to paint it,
There wasn't enough paint in the world to artistically recreate the amount of love inside me.
My pencils couldn't sketch anything so beautiful,
And my hands couldn't mold clay into anything so wonderful.
And as a poet,
My mind
Just couldn't come up with enough poetic rhymes,
To justify…
How much I love you.

But as a photographer,
My camera wasn't quick enough,
And failed to capture my heart breaking because of you.
But you don't care…
Come my way again?
You wouldn't dare.
And most would think that the way I treated you was unfair,
But never that.
I placed you on a pedestal higher than the rest,
And I might not consider myself one of the better,
But I gave you my best.
I was there for you when no one else really cared,
When your life was falling apart and nothing was going as planned…
I was there.
Pulled you out of the dirt and brushed you off,
Held you close and told you that I'd never run off.
Dedicated not only myself and my mind,
But my heart…

And all of my time,
To you.
Whatever you wanted,
You had it.
Never had to beg,
Because it was automatic.
Love.
I had never let myself experience anything so great,
But for you…
I allowed myself to participate,
In this destined fate,
And I shouldn't have.
I can't regret something that was once so beautiful…
But to let myself get hurt like this,
Was beyond crucial.
See, pain like that shouldn't be legal,

But the words that pass your lips are far worse and somewhat lethal,
What did I ever do for you to hate me?
I don't want to seem like I'm dwelling on memories in photos of the past,
But there is a huge chunk of film that never reached exposure.
Pr'ythee,
All I need is some closure.
What did I do?
Loved you with every fiber of my natural being,
Was I not supposed to?
Is there something I'm just not seeing?
Maybe I was oblivious.
Probably why my friends never really liked you to begin with,
And I'm sorry but it's true.
See,
Because you told me that you loved me with all your heart,
That I was amazing and we'd never grow apart?

Should have known that this would be trouble from the start.
That 'I love you' was just a phrase when exchanged from you to me,
That there were no feelings behind it,
And it was just a game in reality…
Or maybe it wasn't.
I don't know,
Because honestly,
You left me without any good reasons,
And the few that you gave,
Were all reasons someone would want to stay…
So tell me why you left me that way.
And confusion drives me partially insane,
Tears form if I even hear your name,
I can't take it.
I mean to this day,
My heart literally aches,
And I can feel the dull throbbing deep in my chest,
But I'm staying away because that's what you want and you say it's best.
But I can't handle this.

All those others only concerned with loving your body and face,
Succumbing to the pleasures only as deep as the skin,
I just wanted to touch your heart,
Something true and from deep within.
I mean…
Does it really bother you that my eyes can peer into the depths of your soul?
Looking past the skin,
Chiseling away at the stone around your heart,
And making it to the center where our love could grow.
Does it…bother you?
Maybe you thought I would never make it that close…
That you loved me a little too much,
And it scared you to know that I was real.
That you could have the ability to feel
Something so surreal
Or not…
Tell me because I don't know.

I took a chance for you,
Fell victim to my own desires,
Stepped out onto that wire and walked the tightrope of love for you.
And I thought you were walking this thin line with me,
But all along you had a knife slowly cutting the other end,
And right before I could reach you,
It was then and only then,
That you let me fall mercilessly in love with you…
Only for me to hit the hard concrete of actuality,
Falling deeper than the depths of mentality,
And there was no netting to catch me.
Letting my body be broken into a million pieces,
Heart splattered upon the earth,
Waiting for you to come seize it,
And mend it back to health…again.
But instead,
You stomped all over it,
Spat on it and smeared it back into the earth,
As if giving it back to me would be more trouble than its worth.
How could I have misread you?
You handled my heart so carelessly.
Peeled a few pieces from the ground,
Threw them in a box,
And shoved it my way with a smile,
And said 'Here, I don't want it anymore.'

You could have at least had the audacity to give me all the pieces to MY broken heart back.
Instead of letting them lay there on the ground,
To be worn down by others.
Passersby…
All this because you found interest in another.
It's not that you left,
It's that you treated me so wrongly during you departure…
And why?
I just wish I could get you out of my head,
But I'm not going to seek vengeance because I'm going to let karma handle that instead.
And this game that you call love,
Makes me push others away.
Yet the possibility of loving another is beautiful,
Some day.
I just don't understand,
How we went from lovers and best friends,
To enemies who can't even speak unless arguing until the conversation ends.
How did we get here?
These feelings are getting the best of me,
Killing me slowly…
Please just let this be over.
But I love you….
But you don't deserve it,
Never did.
Wait…
I never meant to say that.
See,
I can't say or do anything that would hurt you because it would in turn hurt me.
And if I really felt that way,
Your resistance would not be the bane of my existence.

How much does it take,
For me to explain that this hurts just a little more than heartache?
I almost inscribed a whole book to express pain turned to a feud.
But somehow,
Through all this…
You're still perfect in my eyes.
But I'm done,
I'm just going to let this be…
Goodbye

TheMostCreative