Treasure Island

Diane Hine

(25 July 1956)

A Farce.


Caesar thought he was out of reach
'midst weeds and grass, he ate a peach.
Pompeia, his wife, found him at last
Palms held up, she delivered a blast.
'Caesar, new lawn is coming today,
get busy, clear weeds, cut grass, don't play.'.
He said 'Stop, enough of your SNORTS AND BAWL'.
Biting ONCE MORE INTO THE PEACH, he obeyed her call.
And when he was done, found that that wasn't all.

'RAKE HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES'
said Gran with a fag on her lip
'SEIZE THE HAY', said Pompeia,
whilst beating cream with a whip.
Caesar said 'How about help, I'd expect no less'.
'We're making a trifle for Dan's wife Ness'.
'Who? '
'you know, NESS ESSITY..........THE MOTHER OF VIN VENTION'.
Caesar stuck in his finger and licked causing tension
'Why? ', wailed Pompeia and hit him with a sieve. Ding!
'Ow! A TRIFE UNEXAMINED IS NOT WORTH GIVING'.

Gran muttered 'THE WIFE OF DAN IS SOLITARY, POOR,
NASTY, BRUTISH AND SHORT'.
'Gran! , that's not a very charitable thing to say'.
'Well someone ought'.
'Lay the topsoil, Caesar', said Pompeia, pointing to trailer in drive.
'LOAM IS WHERE THE CART IS, no more you skive'.
'How will I level, lay straight and true? '
'GRAN IS THE MEASURER OF ALL THINGS, she'll show you'.

Caesar swore when the shovel impacted his toe.
'Language', warned Gran.
'I CALL A SPADE A SPADE, you know'.
A bug lit on his nose, he focussed his sight,
too late, 'Ow! , THE MOVING WINGER BITES'.
Grumbled as he started to lay the turf,
'MESSED UP THE WEEK FOR HAY THAT INHABIT THE EARTH'.
'Keep going', urged Gran as Pompeia came to see,
'Nay, THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER SODS BEFORE TEA'.

He went to the kitchen, but before he could speak,
Pompeia threw up her arms, 'YOU REEK! , YOU REEK! '.
'For *@%$'s sake! ', he mumbled.
'Language', warned Gran.
'I STINK THEREFORE I DAMN, you old dishpan! '
Gran clasped her hands to her chest, most distraught,
moaning, 'THE LIFE OF GRAN IS SOLITARY, POOR,
NASTY, BRUTISH AND SHORT'.

At last all was finished AND SO TO BED.
'I LAME, I SORE, I BONKERED', he said.
Pompeia planned party quite pleased with herself,
'Will you mow the lawn? '
'No', he said, 'MOW THYSELF'.

They invited Dann over and Ness brought her brother.
'Gran, stop smoking, we're all going to smother'.
'Shan't', said Gran, 'ONE GOOD BURN PRESERVES A MOTHER'.
Ness and Gran just glowered at each other.
Ness said, 'My brother mows lawns, that's his van,
Caesar, meet BRUTUS, HE'S AN HONOURABLE MAN'.

Submitted: Friday, March 09, 2012

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Comments about this poem (A Farce. by Diane Hine )

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  • Owain Glyn (12/17/2012 1:47:00 PM)

    For someone who loves words, I'm lost for them! This is an absolutely amazing piece of work. If I was in a Disco, and thirty years younger I'd want to take it home! (Report) Reply

  • Bri Edwards (11/8/2012 6:20:00 PM)

    it was a bit of a struggle for me, but it is good enough! ! ! for me to tackle again and enjoy more another time. i shall add you to my favorite poets list. bri edwards (Report) Reply

  • Valsa George (11/8/2012 12:13:00 AM)

    FANTASTIC is the only word I can utter! How you have adapted some of the phrases for your advantage! It all sounds altogether funny... Funny! ! ! (Report) Reply

  • Chuck Audette (7/18/2012 12:30:00 PM)

    Impeck-able, like a bird
    Spread thy wings and spread the word
    You knowing how to tern a phrase...
    it never Ceasars to amaze! (Report) Reply

  • Neil Crawford (3/14/2012 11:42:00 AM)

    I like this very much - it's witty and it crackles with humour! .I will read it again.
    I have a poem about Diocletian which I will put on soon.
    Thanks. (Report) Reply

  • Romeo Della Valle (3/11/2012 7:04:00 PM)

    Amazing! A funny in part but well crafted write that shows your ability to create fantastic works! This write is great and I thank you for sharing it! 10+++ You got talent and it is obvious in this write! Keep it up! God Bless You! Love and Peace for always! Romeo from New York City! (Report) Reply

  • Karen Deeks (3/11/2012 11:38:00 AM)

    This is ruddy hilarious! ! You brought characters from many moons slipped by slap bang up to date, with all the same traumas and life experiences as we still do today. I adore this piece... Bravo! ! Karen (Report) Reply

  • Danny Draper (3/10/2012 3:26:00 PM)

    Terrific and funny stuff. Hail Ceaser salad as it dashes past your creative poetic window and long and fast may it pun. (Report) Reply

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