gulsher JOHN


A Doggerel


Heard from sages,
that only
words can change;
the world and ages...
but my tongue
has been fettered
and pen got banned,
and
words those often resonate
in minds
die in freezing dark.....
yet
nobody knows
where heaven lies?
in a painted smile or
in a heart, gone wild.

Submitted: Friday, March 28, 2014
Edited: Saturday, April 05, 2014

Topic of this poem: freedom


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  • Rookie - 926 Points Gulsher John (4/4/2014 9:18:00 PM)

    Penned by Mr Bri Edward.......

    JOHN,


    A doggrel

    Heard from sages,
    that only
    words can change;

    [thanks for the semicolon here (above) ]

    the world and ages...

    [ i'm guessing that these tiny dots, after 'ages', are a sign that you have stopped composing one thought, 'the world and ages....', and you have started to write another thought with 'but my tongue......'. that makes sense to me! ]


    but my tongue
    has been fettered
    and pen gets sterile,
    and
    words those often resonate

    [ i would write.....(IF i understand this section properly) .... 'words WHICH often resonate'. ]

    in minds
    die in freezing dark.....

    [here, again, you used a small series of 'periods'/'tiny dots'........which are a little difficult for me to see on the screen....but i agree with their usage by you. ]

    and
    nobody knows
    where heaven lies?

    [ I surely DON'T KNOW WHERE 'it' LIES! ]

    in a painted smiles or

    [ i would use 'in painted smiles or' OR 'in a painted smile or' ]

    in a heart, goes wild.

    [ 'in a painted smile or in a heart, goes wild'..............they sound like good places to find 'heaven', but i would use 'gone wild', not 'goes wild', at least the way i am reading the poem. ]

    WELL, JOHN, IT TOOK A WHILE FOR ME TO WORK THROUGH THIS POEM [NOT too LONG], BUT WHEN I AM DONE....I DID/DO LIKE IT.

    THANKS for sharing. bri :)

    p.s.

    'dog·ger·el
    'dôg? r? l, 'däg-/
    noun
    noun: doggerel

    1.
    comic verse composed in irregular rhythm.
    verse or words that are badly written or expressed.
    'the last stanza deteriorates into doggerel'

    Origin
    late Middle English (as an adjective describing such verse) : apparently from dog (used contemptuously, as in dog Latin) + -rel.


    JOHN, i did not find it 'comical', but i really did like it.
    i especially enjoyed the lines:

    'but my tongue
    has been fettered
    and pen gets sterile,
    and
    words those often resonate
    in minds
    die in freezing dark...'...............except that i thought 'which' sounds better to me than 'those'. :)

    =============================== (Report) Reply

  • Freshman - 1,391 Points Kevin Patrick (4/3/2014 9:57:00 PM)

    nobody knows
    where heaven lies?
    in a painted smiles or
    in a heart, goes wild.

    Now that is sheer poetry! , your doggerel parameter truly know great lines. Fantastic! (Report) Reply

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