31 Things You Never Want To Use Poem by Dave Birss

The helmet for your motor bike
A big syringe with a scary spike
A bumper pack of sticky plasters
The revolting oil that comes from castors
A 15 story fire escape
A roll of yellow police-line tape
Some anti-venom for a viper
A convertible sportscar’s windscreen wiper
The insurance on your holiday
The barriers on the motorway
An emergency airplane parachute
The toe caps on a safety boot
The seatbelts in a motorcar
Your shaky knowledge of CPR
A cross-channel ferry inflatable jacket
An extra big super-strength laxative packet
The telephone number ‘999’
A hangover cure for too much wine
A military-issue bulletproof vest
A terrifying HIV blood test
The kiss of life, a survival knife
A pre-nuptual agreement with your wife
A sentence full of sweary words
A stick for picking out stepped-on turds
A brand new mechanical replacement knee
A coffin that you’ll never see
The ejector seat on a fighter jet
A loan for consolidating debt
A desktop fan when it starts to swelter
A thermonuclear fallout shelter