2010/04/30 Refuse Poem by Margaret Alice

For a while today I felt so bad about myself
for having chosen to be a failure, allergic to
foodstuffs, chemicals, preservatives, wheat
fat and oil – for not travelling the world; but
waiting that it comes to me

Never engaging in long-term relationships
except for my colleagues and core-family-
I felt so badly about not being able to travel
growing tired in the Cape when visiting
Lady Anne Barnard’s Dutch House

Feeling horrible upon discovering I have no
female companions, scared of people en
masse; hubby, kids and colleagues form
my whole world, yet there is Big Bro who
understands my laments and explosions

Would it have come about if I were a normal
human being without the scourge of allergy
cutting me down, making me feel smaller
than a mouse – though I am not in the
league of the worldly-wise

I have found golden love in the people I know -
Big Bro, the King of the North, god Lugh, Karl,
you still approve of my existence given all my
fears and shortcomings - if you did not, there
are a million well-adapted people

Out there who would be your friends - it would
break my heart; forced to concede I never was
a good companion, given all the angst and
dependence – how would I accept losing
my private world if others came along -

I refuse to contemplate the possibility
of course...