15th Of March 2014 Poem by Taylor Ingram

This isnt really a peom..

Last week my councillor diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and since the start of the year i have been feeling empty, just imagine watching yourself drown, suffocating, while everyone around you was breathing, they see you but carry on with what they're doing even though you're an arm length away, and they could save you by just taking one step closer, thats what depression feels like, its like a black hole and you can feel yourself slipping away slowly even more everyday, every little piece of your personality starts going, those little traits that everyone recognised you by, they disappear, one at a time, and the next thing you know you're nothing, just a mind and a body and all they're telling you is to die, or in my case cut and die, these thoughts just fill your head and you can't get rid of them no matter what you try and do, or say, if you are listening to music you will point all the bad bits out, or end up searching for ‘original depression songs' on youtube because people explain exactly how you feel, within two and a half minutes, everything you've wanted to say, gets said, you crave to tell your mum how you are feeling, how you want to die, show her the cuts on your body, and let her hug you while you cry your heart out because you've been keeping this all together for so long.
This is how i've felt for the last 11 months, the date is 6th of September 2014, in 9 days it would have been 7 months since i tried to kill myself from depression on the 15th of March 2014.

15th of March 2014.. One of the scariest days of my life…
At 11: 00pm i took 70 pills, one after the other 70 times, over and over again, feeling the same texture, tasting the same taste again and again, i can still remember the feeling of those tiny little pills, they felt like plaster and had powder like icing sugar on them but tasted like cardboard.
I can no longer have tablets or touch tablets because i get nauseous, after i had taken the pills everything went fuzzy, like when you try and imagine pins and needles in a picture, thats what it was like, and then i just blacked out, that night i had the worst dream ever, i saw the devil, it was like i had just killed myself and the devil took me, i woke up and i saw his face, it was just a black figure and then it disappeared, i was terrified, i started crying, then i blacked out again, the next morning at 6: 00am i vomited and all the pills came out, then i just laid there crying, my mum came in to wake me up for school as i had just started to go back again, she came in and saw all the empty pill packets she just looked at me and started crying, then she asked what was going on, and i yelled out that i just tried to kill myself, she crawled into bed with me and we just talked, and i continued to vomit, and when it was time for mum to drop my brother off at tafe in town she decided she would drive me to the hospital, my brother asked me what was wrong and mum said that i was just sick and that she was going to take me to hospital, my mother had to dress me, as i was too weak to move.
My brother had no idea what was going on..
My mum drove us to town, she dropped my brother off, then drove to the hospital, i thought i would have had to get my stomach pumped, when we got to hospital they asked me my age, and date of birth, i couldn't talk very well, i vomited again, they rushed me to emergency, they took blood and gave me needles with vitamins and fluids and things, then the vomiting progressed, and i started vomiting every 5 minutes, that continued on for 4 hours then they decided to give me this tiny little pill that disappeared in my mouth to stop me vomiting, and it did, my body then started shutting down, i was shaking, and everything was so cold, they were going to pump my stomach but instead they gave me more fluids by injecting them into my veins with more needles.
All the doctors were telling me to sleep but i couldn't.
Everything was so white and clean, all the sheets, the walls, the ceiling, i can remember looking over and seeing this old man, he was very sick, coughing and coughing.
My mum called my pop to tell my dad to come to the hospital because he wouldn't answer when she called him (my parents are split up) he said that he would come, but two hours later he still wasn't there, my pop told him that if he didn't come than he would never speak to him again. My dad turned up about 30 minutes later,
Councillors and Psychologists came to talk to me to see if it was safe for me to come out of hospital, they let me out, they asked me if i needed a wheelchair because i was so weak, but we said no, Later that afternoon when we got home my mum said that i was so pale and she barely recognised me, that i didn't look like her daughter at all.
She called the school and told them i was never going back, then we all sat down and spoke about my future, how i wanted to go to tafe and things, my nan suggested that i go live with my aunty and her family, and this is where i am now,12 hours away, i now don't have much contact with my mum, brother or dad anymore, and i am still so depressed, not being able to see my mum or brother anymore, every morning mum use to come in and kiss me on the forehead and say ‘wake up sweetie' and i miss that so much, and the sound of my fan humming me to sleep every night, people don't understand how hard it is to be so far away from the ones you love the ones you hold close to your heart so dearly, the ones people take for granted daily, but when they're gone or you're gone, it hurts, and it feels like a piece of you has been torn out, and you just lie awake every night staring out of your window, you hold your thumb up to the moon because no matter where ever you are in the world it will always be the same size, no bigger than your thumb, and that makes you feel a little bit better, because you feel closer.
Every night i lie awake rethinking everything that i've just written, recalling every little conversation, the expressions on faces, what everything looked like in fine detail.
And it hurts so much, because i am still here, hurting more than ever, breathing every breath. smelling every scent, i am still living, living every day trying to pretend nothing ever happened, and reliving all the events that happened on the 15th of March 2014 in my dreams.