001 - A Cure For Everything
CAUTION: Reading this rhyme may give you a headache.
I think I’ll take an Alka Seltzer to relieve my gut,
Eating too much Mexican has put me in a rut.
An effervescent analygesic sodium acetyl salicilate
Is just what I need
To make me feel much better and get me back to speed.
Or maybe a Pepto Bismol, a slippery kind of goop
Good for settling the stomach and helping one to poop.
And it’s pretty pink and tastes like candy
A few spoons of that and I’ll be feeling dandy.
Milk of Magnesia, renew the facts,
Take M.O.M. in the AM for BM in the PM
And it’s guaranteed to help clear up your tracts.
Easier on you than that old Ex Lax
Which tastes so much like chocolate candy
It’s always good to keep some handy.
And if the opposite problem you should meet,
Immodium will keep you on your feet.
Good for plugging up the gate
If much hot chili you have ate.
Maybe take a pill like Tums for the tummy
To relieve all that gas that makes you feel so crumby.
How about a Beano to keep from passing gas
Which is embarassing and has you feeling like an ass.
Apply some Head On directly to the forehead
It will cure your headhache and keep you outta bed.
Or some Preparation H directly to your backs
They say it’s maybe good for shrinking up eye sacks.
How about an aspirin, don’t let a headache start,
Also good for other pain and even for the heart.
Tylenol and Advil will keep you up to par
If for some crazy reason you’ve been hanging ‘round a bar.
A Sudafed if you’re sneezing and ailing
Or a Dramamine if you’re going sailing.
Take a One-A-Day Vitamin if that’s your thing
It’ll make every day seem just like spring.
Take a Glucosamine if that’s your tack
To ease your joints moving forth and back
Or take an Aleve if you can’t move
It’s certain to get you back in your groove.
Give me some No Doz to keep me awake
And then some NyQuill when I need a break
I’ll take both, one for fast, one for slow,
Then I’ll try to figure out which way to go.
That will eliminate the tedium
And I’ll just coast along on medium.
I could go on forever and ever
Writing things I think are clever
But enough is too much, so I’ll shut my face
Besides I’m running out of space.
So many remedies, I don’t know which to choose,
The heck with them all, I’ll just stick to the booze.
They say that it will leave you feeling no pain
So much to lose and so much to gain.
So goodbye for now, it’s all up hill,
If the right one don’t get you then the left one will!
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(March 26, 1874 – January 29, 1963)
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