n. j. saroff

I found you where I left you crying on my front porch not knowing what to do
I feel an ache in my stomach over you still being love sick
I find our love in the mist, sweet like the way we kissed
I find your heart in the back of the theatre of our first date it's the one place I'm beginning to hate
...

Something about Summers always makes me want to cry
Something about sunny days and the cloudless nights always makes me crave another
In the long days of summer it's moments like this where things that made sense for so long suddenly don't
Something about summer and the freedom it provides that should be safe and welcoming but really it's tackling me till I can't breathe
...

When you deny me my sexuality
Calling it an abnormality
Its like denying the existence of the moon
I know you say its too soon
...

Empty box
Fresh tear drops
Home alone
Nothing to call your own
...

Holding onto my youth,
I don't want to grow up, though I want to figure this out
I don't want to settle, though I want a place to call mine
I'm wandering, falling, tumbling, wishing, wanting to go somewhere else
...

...

The wanderer,
With the lava colored hair
The fingers like sticks in a bon fire
He could not control his desire
...

The actor is not faint of heart
Not a wanderer or a drifter
They come on with purpose
Moving forward knowing exactly where they are going
...

The melancholy sound of gloom is a quiet haunting eating away at the back of my mind.
Its teeth are the voice commanding me to die.

I am just a passenger to the world's spinning
...

What happens next is an after low
Some people get an after glow
A sort of high a renewed will to stay alive, or to survive
After the energy has left
...

It gets kind of lonely after awhile. Sometimes you finally come up for air, and its not what you expected. You pushed people out, because before they could understand the fear, they were the ones to cause it. Slowly you just become a face in the crowd. People would say i knew her once, we used to be such great friends. Eventually they forgot your existence. For a moment you may share a glance, and then go your separate ways. You never stay in one place to long, you're just a drifter. A fish swimming jumping over stones, it's path is one it takes alone. Like a log in a lake, you just float by, no one stopping you. It seems like your a bird flying high, you could fly forever if you tried. Then it hits you, that you are just a human, you are not a bird, or fish or log. You are simply a human searching for the right place and people. You may give up, you may walk out, you may start over, you may fight, flight, freeze, scream, yell, you may cry, and sometimes you will stay just longer than expected, and it feels good. You begin to remove a brick or two from the walls around your world, and it goes just fine. One day it seems over night the wall crumbles and you drift away again. As you leave you build the wall, brick for brick as if nothing had changed. People forget who you were, what you said, what you did. You are just a memory, one some would rather not replay. It gets quite lonely being a drifter, moving from one place to the next. People fight to be in your life, they try to help you bring down the wall, slowly they realise its just not worth it, cause you're just lost with out meaning. You wish someone would understand this fear or secret, that you weren't alone, that you didn't have to solve it all on your own. But its your problem and rather you like it or not, you have to fix it, yourself!
Im not a bird, i never had wings to fly.
Im not a fish, because fish dont come up for air.
Im not a log, i dont drift by easily some do remember me.
...

with love to a temporary friend
That after 379 pages came to an end
inked and wild
transporting to the world of the mind of a child
...