John Cowan

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All Apologies

I'm sorry I'm broke and didn't get the truck fixed within your timeframe. I'm trying. I didn't want to take money from you for it or from my dad. I wanted to try to do it on my own. I'm an awful person.

I'm sorry that I didn't get the camper back and that its a mess. I'm sorry that it was rained on and leaked. I'm sorry your brother picked it up to find it in that condition when he wanted to borrow it and wasted his time. I'm an awful person.

I'm sorry for blowing money when we've gone out instead of using it to fix the truck. I just wanted to feel like I could take care of you when we were out and be less of a leech. I'm an awful person.

I'm sorry I lied to you about dragging my feet getting the application to Tom. I felt shame and guilt over how to address getting fired at CYS and was panicked. I'm an awful person.

I'm sorry I don't spend more time with my kids. Deep down, maybe it seems I just don't care about them. At least they seem to care about me. (Other than Meg - I know she was being selfish at the B-day party.) I hope that my relationship with the kids isn't threatening to you. I'm sorry for going off that way - I'm a horrible parent and an awful person and deep down, they all probably hate me, too.

I'm sorry for asking to be physical with you. I realize I've had performance issues in the past, so I really shouldn't have the right to ask after a night out. I deserved to be yelled at and emasculated. I'm an awful person.

I'm sorry for asking for you to give me signs of affection. Although, hearing "I love you" and actually using my name seemed to be a normal expectation. I guess maybe I was overstepping my bounds. (I'll continue to avoid asking for more than a brotherly hug and peck on the lips.) I'm an awful person.

I'm sorry that I'm having depression issues. I know that I need meds and and counseling, but, at the moment I really don't have easy access. I know - Poor, poor John...no alternatives. No free clinics, no charity to seek out. But this is me - an awful person.

I'm sorry that your viewpoint and opinion of me impacts me so much. I try to be strong and confident, but, your doubts about me affect me more than you realize. I'm an awful person.

I'm sorry that losing you might devastate me. Or maybe not. And just maybe I'm not an awful person, afterall.

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