Critiques and Revision

Post your poems here for objective, honest critiques and suggestions.
Post a message

Click here to list all messages

Mike Acker Mike Acker Male, 61, Canada (10/1/2013 1:09:00 PM)

Hello fellow poets....critique away...honest critiques only!

" Strings"
Throughout my life,
I thought I was free,
until, recently,
I have begun to see,
the faint, shadowy,
lines of strings
attached to me,
directing fully
all my activities.

I sat on many a couch
discussing my life's tragedy,
convinced I was the master
of my own destiny.
But, the constant yanking
of the strings,
above and beyond me,
dispelled any notions
of autonomy.

God's hand,
or the gods' hands,
or demons lurking,
or even, my
subconscious stirring,
were all seen as causes
for my anomalies.
But, no one felt
the inner and outer
pulls and tugs
as only I could feel
that directed my life
and destroyed my hopes
of prosperity.

And every time
I came close,
to looking up,
to try to see
my masked,
master puppeteer
hovering above and
just beyond me,
the strings on my feet
would suddenly
be yanked so forcefully,
that my face would turn
in a state of utter
and abject humility,
dashing any hopes
of being able to see
the face of what has always
been controlling me.

Then the fear
would grow within me
that if, I were able
to finally and clearly see
the face of whomever
has been pulling me
I may discover,
to my horror,
that the mask he wears
is of a face of no other
than me.

To post a reply to this message, click here
Replies for this message:


  • Rookie Edwina Du Casse (10/21/2013 1:44:00 AM) Post reply
    0 person liked.
    0 person did not like.

    Mike Your poem is such truth for many-I know I could relate- I liked the last three lines.reminds me of my poem reflections in a mirror of life, titled 'Youth gone'and shadows.
    I liked this work. My pen-name is Poetlife. Blessings.

  • Rookie - 76 Points Diana Rosser (10/1/2013 2:47:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I like this, particularly the idea...though the style took some time to get used to....I think that this is because it is neither prose or rhyme, nor does it have a steady metre but I do think if you consider applying some poetic technique, this poem is potentially a really good write and worthwhile read. (I hope you really did want an actual critique) . Diana

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 76 Points Mike Acker (10/1/2013 4:48:00 PM) Post reply

      Thank you Diana...I absolutely did want a critique and an honest one are absolutely right in what you said. The poem came to me fairly quickly and late into the night. Wrote it down then ... more

[Hata Bildir]