Critiques and Revision

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  • Rookie - 0 Points Jennifer Rothgordt (2/7/2013 8:09:00 PM) Post reply
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    One Wonders
    Would love to hear comments and reviews about my poetry
    Latest example,

    One Wonders
    One wonders what the world would do,
    If each word spoken, from this point, were true.
    If every expression of emotion or reason, real!
    How would this make mankind feel?
    If a childs hunger could be fed by trust.
    If respect for women was made a must!
    No more hurt, no more pain, no more crime, no more shame.
    No more deaths in religions name!
    No more acts of desperation!
    No more feelings of deep frustration!
    Could this heal our global nation?!

    Jennifer Rothgordt

  • Rookie - 0 Points Benson Don (2/5/2013 2:58:00 PM) Post reply

    I just published a new poem, it is titled 'Man Is'. I want you guys to check it out and creatively critizise it.

  • Rookie Suvidha Koul (2/3/2013 11:38:00 PM) Post reply

    being positive.....
    bigger mistakes give bigger lessons
    worst things happen for better reasons
    if you really want it, do whatevr
    cause may be its now or never
    you should risk it
    only if its worth it
    cause its never known before
    if its only gona hurt  more
    so better be honest n simple
    dan lie n tremble
    trusting easily is a big threat
    as its better dying than live with regret.

  • Rookie Suvidha Koul (2/3/2013 10:36:00 PM) Post reply

    This is a poem i wrote learnin from my experiences n usin simple words. Honest critics
    r welcome. Its titled as

    contradicting truth

    U dnt always love da things u lyk
    N nor do u always like da things u love
    Mind n heart  dnt always coordinate wid each oder
    n  feelings n thots wnt always harmonize together.
    Da choices u make arnt always 1 u aimed for
    Sometimes da things dat u gt attached to,
    R dose, dat once  u loathed  a lot.
    It feels as if der r 2 people in 1 person
    One thotful n intelligentN oder sensitive n careless
    Dey dnt get along really well
    Ders always sum cold war between dem
    Intelligence suggests da way to mre profit n happiness
    Sensitivity dsnt  knw wat it wants n goes newhwre
    Its lyk a combinatn of animal n machine
    Animal follows love, lyk a dog
    All it wants is beautiful wrld n in it ‘u wid me'
    But machine thinks a lot n always wants to get better
    betr features, mre programmes n faster processors
    machine can never love n dog can never b  selfish
    dog will never leave u n machine will sumday expire to rubbish.
    Time  does show u ur different type(s)
     wat  u can b n wat u can never  evn try,  
    u do things dat u never dreamt of doin in lyf.
    N end up runnin away frm those, dat wer once prized.
    U go on searchin 4 happiness in all parts of world
    N jus wen u think u got it, it will slip away on da road.
    Den u stop tryin so hard n get back to wat u always did
    N realize nothing else made u happier ‘dan, Wat u wer tryin to gt  rid.
    Beautiful things n beautiful people
    Can make u happy  4 a while
    But dat will fade, after u jus get away half a mile.
    But people who love u 4 whoever u are
    No mater hw far u go, u take der happy thots along.
    Der presence r absence dsnt matter, ,   n nor does der stayin far
    As dey walk wid u wherever u go, Cause dey  r always present  in ur heart.

  • Rookie Tasruzzaman Babu (2/3/2013 7:13:00 PM) Post reply

    X-ism: At the second floor of the land-lord house

    At the second floor of the land-lord house
    A lantern gleams all night long
    Its light can be seen beyond the sash of window
    When nocturnal birds also return to nest
    The eyes of stars are languished due to drowsiness
    Footfall is already stopped
    Fireflies are also tired by sparkling light
    The voice of cricket are also chocking
    In a room of the second floor of the land-lord house
    A lantern flickers dimly
    All night long…

  • Rookie Christopher Mcnabb (2/1/2013 5:20:00 AM) Post reply

    My Love

    Empty shadows on the floor
    Cast empty voices at my door
    Half the substance they were before
    Half the voices are no more

    Ask the shadows wheres your vail
    Why does your countanence seem so pale
    Answering simply without fail
    " I need your soul, is it for sale?"

    All my days I live my curse
    Flesh and bone make it worse
    I cannot give you whats is not mine
    My sweet and sour valentine

    With much anger it did insist
    To run cold steel across my wrist
    I answered simply with a twist
    Death resides upon my lips

    He has been there since my birth
    All my days I live my curse
    I cannot give you what is not mine
    My sweet and sour valentine

    Empty shadows on the wall
    With their voice they do call
    Beyond autumn winters fall
    Beyond the seers crystal ball

    Ask me why I stand and fight
    Sorrows weeping in the night
    I cannot quit to much to do
    I cannot give my life to you

    Yet it makes a sound appeal
    And offers me another deal
    A life of envy, so surreal
    Stop. Listen. Hush. Be still

    I cannot give you what is not mine
    My sweet and sour valentine

  • Rookie Christopher Mcnabb (2/1/2013 12:25:00 AM) Post reply

    Field Of Fox

    What a simple mind has done.
    Just can't see beyond their tongue.
    Open their mouths and the truth is born.
    All so lucky their thoughts don't swarm.

    You just can't buy, shaman's tongue.
    Let their smoke fill your lung.
    To read the future all so clear.
    To many variables for that my dear.

    The future is a treasure we've yet to behold.
    It is left for us to shape and mold.

    You just can't buy, soothsayer's vision.
    When they have fault in their own decision.
    Our impending, each choice unlocks.
    All just rabbit, in the field of fox.

  • Rookie Christopher Mcnabb (1/26/2013 12:39:00 AM) Post reply

    Hello I am new to site, I do not right long poems to bog down the mind,
    though I do appreciate a good read regardless of length. You may like my
    style, you may not. And appreciate any comments or critisizms.

  • Rookie - 4 Points Jessie Knaggs (1/24/2013 2:42:00 PM) Post reply

    hello i'm new to poetry writing and would greatly appercete a feedback on the poems i've written to help me improve as a poet. thank you very much.

  • Rookie - 469 Points Yasmeen Khan (1/22/2013 5:35:00 AM) Post reply

    Hi! everyone
    Please read and review my poems.

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