Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision


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  • Udaya R. Tennakoon (9/18/2012 7:05:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Hello Dear all,

    I would like if you can read my poems and give a constructive critic for improvement of my poetry skills. As English is my second language, your participation would be great for me. Please follow the link bellow to read my poems.
    http://www.poemhunter.com/udaya-r-tennakoon-2/


    Many thanks
    Udaya

  • Anita Jonker (9/12/2012 2:52:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    The reason I wrote one of my poems is because of a story I heard:

    A 4 year old girl was sitting alone in the back of an taxi driving around town. The police officer saw the child was alone and stopped the taxi.

    The police asked the girl ' Why are you in the back of this taxi?'

    The girl replied: 'Taxi's makes the most accidents on the road'

    It made me very sad and I wanted to write a poem that might be the reason for such sadness in a 4 year old.

    I wanted to do this justice.
    Please comment and tell me if I succeeded.

    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/dark-painting/

  • Nicole Silvia (9/5/2012 8:43:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies Stage

    I'm confused... does Poemhunter automatically go in a rate your poems as a 5/10?Or did a person rate all my poems that were not previously rated 5/10?Some of my poems had ratings, all of which were 10/10, and today I checked my ratings. Every poem which did not have a previous rating was rated by one vote 5/10. If someone does not like my poem very much, that is fine, but I would think they would offer some sort of critiuqe. If my poem is poorly written, or does not reach you, etc, please offer an honest critique. Aside from sharing, I am on this site to learn more of how to write better poems.

    Replies for this message:
    • Ajay Seshadri (9/2/2013 5:20:00 AM) Post reply Stage

      I also have this problem. A new poem that I post seems to get automatically rated; 5/10. The reader should offer a critique but it seems to me that this happens automatically as I noticed there was no ... more

    • Gabrielle Marie (9/13/2012 7:59:00 PM) Post reply Stage

      Yes, I noticed the same. It can be a flaw in the system, or there is a N.N. person who does this. This makes no sense at all to me.

  • Komolafe Shalomj (9/5/2012 1:02:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Read my recent poems and i'll be well reserved to publish part 2, MESSAGE LIVES ON and this. http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/future-future-before-and-future-from-the-future-journey/ http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/kill-the-messenger/ Message lives on is the cont. Of where the messenger was killed....at the end the messengers and slaves are freed.THE MESSAGE THE MESSENGER LEFT IS POWERFUL.

  • Black On Black Arts (9/4/2012 1:56:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    hello im Black on Black arts and i would like for anyone who enjoys to read poetry to please read rate and to give me their honest opinion on my poems thank you
    B.O.B.A

  • Stevie Taite (8/31/2012 10:41:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Poems and dreams (surrealism)

    (written in response to a visit to the Tate. I tried to use vocab used to describe this type of art in minimal words.
    It's my interpretation of the thought process behind the works of art. Bringing the randomness of the subconscious and the world around us alive in their creations)


    Alone
    In our head with many
    Unknown

    Faces
    Forms that disconnect
    Places

    Surreal
    When the dawn shakes us
    Feel

    Unplanned
    Abstract association
    Understand

     See
    Unconscious mind
    free

    Strive
    Elements of chance
    Alive

    Accidental
    Random mix and match
    mental

    Truth
    Search for understanding
    Sleuth 

  • Mason Maestro (8/31/2012 8:56:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    From a Jade Terrace (The Fortress Alley)

    A contract made, joint-venture tight
    Safe in the glow of the conglomerate light
    How strange to choose to smother worth
    How strange to choose to end the diverse
    Dupont, Allstate, Apple, Dell
    Fed Ex, GM, Boeing Merrell
    Freddy Mac, Amtrak, diesel, propane
    Their corporate leanings, it’s gone insane
    That we would choose to smother worth
    That we would choose to end the diverse

    Paul Volker and Bernstein, princes of power
    Mergers served hot but the taste is sour
    The alley holds the jade and bones
    And a map is at The Georgia Guidestones
    The vested, the vermin, the fortress, the careless
    Corporate oligarchs up on the terrace
    On Fortune 500, the stocks in place
    No fear of the dark, or shame or disgrace
    That we would choose to smother worth
    That we would choose to end the diverse
    It's cold in the board room
    The space is too big
    Assets aren’t enough
    And the shares are too thick
    They’ll show you no weakness
    They’ll mock you in growth
    Berate and deride you
    Belittle and chide you
    Is it anger or envy, profit or dearth
    That we would choose to smother worth
    That we would choose to end the diverse

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  • Ulveena Aitzaz (8/18/2012 6:15:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    You Don't Know

    You claim you love me, even though,
    The meanings of those words you do not know.
    Every time you wrap around me your arms,
    And promise you wont let come to me any harm.
    I peer into your eyes,
    I'm not saying they are lies.
    But you loving me just isn't true,
    And that even you don't know, do you?
    'Cause you claim you love me, even though,
    The meanings of those words you do not know.
    But when I tell you, your temper will burn like hell fire,
    And perhaps the consequences are dire.
    But you needed to know that you're living a fairy tale,
    I do love you and you are gonna burn your boats before they set sail.
    I know when I see you, my tongue might fail,
    So as I write this, I just want you to know that my heart's really frail.
    So honey, don't you use words with meanings you don't know ever again,
    Use words that you know, don't wreck your brain.
    This shall be perhaps only a memory for me,
    It'll hurt you the most but the end of it you shall see.
    Because the meanings of those words, you never knew,
    And how can things you don't know ever hurt you?

  • Ulveena Aitzaz (8/18/2012 6:12:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    Little Baby

    Little baby don't you cry,
    Go to sleep, come on, give it a try.
    Close your eyes and got to sleep,
    Dream of fairies in your slumber so deep.
    I will be right here next to you,
    Know, little baby, I love you.
    Now close your starry, twinkling eyes,
    And you will see glowing fireflies.
    I promise you, little baby, when you wake up to the morning light,
    You shall get a kiss and a hug very tight.
    But for now I shall stroke your silky hair,
    And when you wake up, look by your side and you'll find me right here.
    So, little baby, don't you cry,
    Go to sleep, come on, give it a try.
    Close your eyes and go to sleep,
    Dream of fairies in your slumber so deep.

    Replies for this message:
    • Anita Jonker (9/12/2012 2:54:00 AM) Post reply Stage

      This made me smile and cheered up my mood. Awesome rhythm and just very sweet well done!

  • Ndubuisi Okona (8/14/2012 5:37:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Please criticise this poem of mine.

    OBLIVION MODIFIED

    Silence they say is golden and quite glittery
    All it ever brings is pain and total misery
    Everyone wants to be proved right
    But none wants to be left out in love
    A fresco of wasted dreams
    A collage of aspirations cast in streams

    Silence I hear is golden yet so deafening
    I try to speak it’s always a squabbling
    Really scared to disturb the peace
    Tried to piece back one good piece
    It was only a wink in the dark
    The pendulum did not swing back
    Watched love in profile take a dive
    Settled with the ripples of lies and unlusty lives

    Silence I see is golden and so so dazzling
    Autumn’s child came cool and strong
    A blink all green in me was gone
    Oh! The peals of heart break and it stings
    If I could detach my manhood and cry for a moment
    If I could reach back and erase that moment
    I walked up and said “how do you do”

    Twice I loved thrice she lied
    Can this justify my disposition?
    Kindly lace my Valium with deprivian
    Kindly deprive me of this oblivion
    So I could wake up to you
    Lay what is left on you
    Time tells if these would all come true.

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