Critiques and Revision

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  • Ruby Honeytip (10/19/2012 3:20:00 AM) Post reply

    I have a new poem....WARNING! ! Although this poem about a person eating fruit was written in good humour, it may be seen as a little racy, so please don't read if that is embarrassing to you.

    Forbidden Fruit

    He presses it to his lips
    Bares his teeth
    And nips at the flesh
    Sweet liquid escapes his lips
    And races with his tongue
    From the corner
    Of his mouth
    He catches the nectarous droplet
    And draws it back inside
    How I long for a taste!
    To touch his delicious lips with mine
    To fold my tongue through
    The warm sweetness of him
    Again...again and again
    Ohhhh to hear my name groaned
    Through his baritone voice
    As my body sings his song.

    His eyes...his beautiful eyes.............
    Uh oh! ! ! ! ! !

    He sees me!

    I feel crimson warmth spread
    Across my face
    And wonder.........
    How long have I been staring?

    © 2012
    Ruby Honeytip

  • Bret Thompson (10/12/2012 9:13:00 PM) Post reply

    poetry comes from ones heart and soul.the words just pop into your head without you even just dont feel whole intill its what other people think about your poetry does not really matter

  • Mojdeh Mahjourinia (10/10/2012 8:27:00 AM) Post reply

    I would very interesting any advice and guidance of others to my poem...

    I am alive here sound true,

    Here, here,
    In a golden or darken circular blue,

    I am alive, yes to live and to love...
    Hey you,
    Can you understand what is love?

    Please listen to me,
    Butterfly comes,
    Sits on a rose
    And sings for the sun...

    It's in love with a glorious and shiny rise.

    Please listen to me...
    We have no time,
    Let's be butterfly,
    Sing for the sea,

    And watch the rise and fall of the waves
    That are ahead of us.

  • Clay Perry (10/9/2012 9:10:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    i would really appreciate any help and advice others may give about my poetry i feel some are good but would welcome suggestions for is my page and here is a new poem..

    'my love's like jazz'

    Why jazz?Everyone asks,
    thinks maybe it's a crutch,
    but you have to listen
    to understand that

    when it swings mad
    it's controlled wild,
    screaming like loons
    from the secret structure
    of someone's imagination.
    You get to go there, fly
    down to it, sail across it,
    lose yourself winging
    your own dips
    and graceful spins.
    The cool liquid changes

    when it cries soft
    as yellow fog, curling
    around memory. Ghosts
    who usually live
    in the next room
    step in to hold you
    faint as smoke, whisper
    their stories one more

    time you have to listen
    to understand. It's a river.
    It pulls you with tides,
    and deep underneath
    it's all blue, sad
    in a minor way,
    but enveloping as peace,
    low as life.

    You can stretch yourself
    around it, let it move
    your limbs, carry you
    in a sway of somewhere
    you've never been
    but for that space
    of song.
    in this moment my love smooth,
    sticky, sultry, sweetly heady.

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  • Clay Perry (10/9/2012 9:01:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    please would folks offer me advice and any help you may afford me on my poetry i think some is good just would appreciate some help..

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  • Makayla Johnson (10/6/2012 9:17:00 PM) Post reply

    I wrote this poem quite a while ago. I'd like to know what you all think.


    The sunset's blood spills yellow and orange,
    The fern's new life within the sporange,
    I tread the Earth's path so sweet,
    the flowers crumple 'neath my feet.

    The sky, it glows a bright new silver,
    The ewe shall feed her newborn chilver.
    Dance around the light of stars,
    Paint the planet known as Mars.

    And soon shall strike the inspiration,
    entwined so soft with desperation.
    The moon, it shines so florescent,
    The glowworms shimmer, incandescent.

    Watch the sky, it soon will fall,
    The gentile mist absorbs it all.
    The blood of demons spills and splashes,
    marking you with quick, red lashes.

    Piece by piece we'll watch the dreams,
    It's just not always what it seems.
    The feathers drifting, falling down,
    Fill the streets, the vacant town.

    A misty haze shall fill the skies,
    Watch the fallen disk arise,
    lined with silver and plated gold,
    it brings the new and keeps the old.

  • Austin Straussfield (10/6/2012 6:40:00 AM) Post reply

    Check this out...i'm kinda new here and will be needing guide from the experienced one...please i want you all to comment on this
    " I never knew i could fly
    until i see you cry
    Patiently waiting for your smile
    but it's way long along the tide
    you make me walk the mile
    even though its for a while
    i never knew i could fly
    until i see me try..."

  • Rookie - 0 Points Wings Lost (10/4/2012 2:06:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Hi everyone I'm new at this! ! I just lately [like a year or two] developed this love for poems and poetry....would love to hear from all on my very recent poem......

    What's with this girl

    “You can atleast say a Hi”………..

    She makes me feel awkward everytime..
    She knows a lot about me
    Yes coz I confide in her
    We talk a lot through texts
    But I cant speak to her…why?

    I’m very well sure
    I ain’t In love with her! !
    Coz I love guys n not gals! !
    But what's with this girl
    I don’t get it at all

    Maybe its her eyes…
    She could look through me
    And I wont be able to lie..
    She knows me very well
    And her eyes remind me that…

    Or maybe its her height!
    She can impose superiority on me…
    What if she takes advantage and use me?
    She is so tall! !
    You see I’m not used to being with gals taller than me..

    Or yet maybe its her charm…
    I get tongue tied! !
    I feel like gazing at her for hours on end
    And she is herself a magnet
    Oh! I don’t want to be a piece of iron!

    I hope someday I’ll solve
    This mystery that surrounds me

    ……….“You can atleast say a Hi”
    That’s what she often tells me now-a-days! !
    And I manage a “Hi”
    And I smile….wait is this called blushing??......

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  • Rookie - 0 Points Daniel Einstein (10/3/2012 11:21:00 AM) Post reply

    Hey guys, how is it going?hopefully great, I was wondering if you guys would be interested in sending me two of your written and favorite poems, and i will comment and rate them; because i am that kind of guy. Don't be shy and send me a message, i will be waiting. xD

  • Rookie - 0 Points Makayla Johnson (10/1/2012 2:00:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Hi, I wrote this poem in a different style than I normally use and I was wondering if I could get some critiques. And please, constructive criticism is very welcome.

    Love Is Ugly

    What a brutal thing.
    such an ugly thing.
    I'll tell you right now
    that love will never be
    pretty, never fully joyous,
    never golden. Love is ugly,
    love is stone grey and
    dusty brown, love is
    mutated green and smells
    like death.
    Smells like death....

    Love is a knife in
    your heart, a dagger
    through the eyes.
    Love blinds and deafens and
    defeats. Love beats you,
    love kills you,
    love kicks dirt in your eyes.
    Love is envy and greed and
    fire and ice and sorrow
    and joy and wonder and fear.
    Love kills and destroys
    and keeps pulling you back.

    Love drags and claws and rips
    and tears, love stains
    your face with tears.
    Love is a frozen flame,
    cold and hot and warm and
    solid and slippery and
    melting away.
    Love grabs you with scaly hands
    and holds with scarves and mittens.
    Love scars and burns and eats
    away your soul.

    Love is brutal and relentless
    and won't leave you alone.
    Won't leave you alone....
    Love hurts and tortures and
    rakes claws down your back,
    plants wings in your shoulders,
    throws you out the window
    and assumes you know how to fly.

    Love is the worst and the best,
    love is painful and never-ending,
    love raises hopes and
    crushes them like bugs.
    Happiness is the illusion,
    love is fear and hurt and cold...
    So cold...
    Love is rain, flooding and drowning
    and rushing through, splashing
    and racing in a current.

    Love takes you away and
    forces you back.
    Love is ugly.
    Love isn't hearts and flowers,
    not candy and pillows.
    Love is blazing and burning
    and aching and breaking.
    Love swarms like wasps
    and hornets and pecking,
    clawing crows.
    Love tears out your eyes
    and ears and throat,
    love fills you to the brim
    and you burst and fall
    and sink down and down
    and down forever.

    Love is ugly.
    Love is painful.
    Love is brutal.
    Love attacks
    and bites
    and never lets go.
    But the funny thing is
    once it's got you,
    you can't get enough.

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    • Ruby Honeytip (10/3/2012 11:31:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      Descriptive, illustrative......and pretty accurate! Love bites: -) This is my latest- I Have..I Give. This is not a tiny man made thing Like religion or money. This is a Mother Nature thi ... more

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