Critiques and Revision


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  • Rookie - 4 Points Jessie Knaggs (4/25/2013 1:48:00 PM) Post reply
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    No More Running

    You don't have to run anymore
    I'll be with with you as you face your past
    As you kill the demons from your past
    Don't cry
    Don't falter
    That fear makes you strong
    Strong enough to face anything
    They can never beat you
    Never take you down
    Because they'll never know
    They'll never see
    How much you had to fight
    To be able to stumble into the sunlight
    You will fly high
    Above the clouds
    Away from those who hurt you
    Don't let them see your fear
    Show strength and courage
    Hold fast and stay strong against the dark
    I'll hold your hand and lead you to the light

  • Rookie - 19 Points Savannah Oakes (4/21/2013 10:18:00 PM) Post reply

    A Brisk Walk

    Midnight on a winding street
    air still as the grave
    no danger lurking
    no signs of wake

    You swagger on
    gingerly to the left
    then suddenly—
    a hand is in your hand
    hot breath against your cheek
    a whisper in your ear:

    “My love, my light
    come lie with me.
    We'll meet at great new heights
    where you will be set free
    from hands that bind
    to a land of bliss,
    so you won't but mind
    as you float down the abyss.”

    With no note of dissent
    no sigh, no frown, nor shake
    you are whisked away,
    taking steady steps and deep breaths
    to the hole where you shall lay.

    When finally you do arrive
    you're beckoned to lie down
    you stumble in, burrowing
    careful not to make a sound.

    Morning comes, but not the sun,
    Eyes search, but nothing found.
    Hands grasp at dirt, nails rake on stone
    at this new burial ground.

    Screaming does no good
    nor fight, nor will, nor pain
    you are here and here for good
    because doth wed the night
    and the night doth betrayed.

    “Away now morning light,
    Farewell bitter day!
    Soon we will reunite,
    perhaps from inner fray.
    So beat your drums,
    grapple in spite,
    measure your sums.
    Forget this little slight,
    For tomorrow comes! ”

    So lie down,
    calm, secure
    make most of this fine bed
    you've dug yourself out of
    time and time again.

    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/a-brisk-walk/

  • Rookie - 19 Points Savannah Oakes (4/21/2013 10:17:00 PM) Post reply

    If I Had Ten More Minutes

    If I had ten more minutes
    And my voice was not faint
    Nor my face so devoid
    Or my mind so blank
    I would profess—

    But I'm afraid of words
    Which might betray lips,
    For what is kept
    is of my eyes,
    that impulsive organ,
    I've attempted to stray:
    hooded, hazed.

    Construing a montage
    ever playing:
    concerns, worries
    fears, and doubts,
    Come to life
    in bursting light
    whilst straining in the dark.

    And if such creations
    could speak—
    or better
    could be heard—
    through the mist of passion
    And masks of pride,

    I would profess
    All in my heart;
    Every quaint murmur
    Forsaken night and night.

    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/if-i-had-ten-more-minutes/

  • Rookie - 69 Points Godfrey Morris (4/16/2013 4:18:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I Seek Thee



    Nothing will compare to the oasis I now seek

    These arid eyes betray the fountain it seeks

    Submerged in a desert dust, of cries


    I seek high and low, as mountains greet the sky

    And seas search their depths

    I seek thee, as a song demands a humming melody

    I seek thy presence as how wise men follow reason

    I seek thy ways as lord Justice seeks to right

    Oppressors’ wrongs

    I seek all pleasures as how an addict demands ecstacy

    I seek thy faith as how the righteous surrender their praise

    I seek thee greatly, as much as the eagle desires

    to roam the vaccant skies


    Precious love!

    Where have thou fled?

    Far away from natures divine creed?

    Absent from thine own heart’s desire?

    I seek lost understanding of life’s cruel ways

    I seek to find, as the river seeks the sea

    Love! I seek thee still

    Just as the light intends to tame the shrewd of the night

    I seek hoping to find, causing my will to die

    I seek thee to be calm and be at peace


    Oh Dear, Sweet, Precious Love

    I pray that you relieve me now -

    For all there is to be - I do find in thee

    And with your Love I can now see


    copyright © 2013


    Godfrey Morris

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  • Rookie Gabriel Denver (4/15/2013 5:24:00 AM) Post reply

    Calling
    My breath catches when you hold your hair up
    As your neck comes alive and invites me to live.
    Lips find the softest of skin as I feel you rise
    And I hear you sigh…

    Together as one
    In that moment there is only us
    In mind, in body and in soul…..
    Timeless love passes through our hands.

    I use your heartbeat as a guide
    My fingers follow it’s path.
    I hear you calling……
    I hear you calling…..

  • Rookie Faustina Marie (4/14/2013 11:32:00 PM) Post reply

    Hand of Hate

    I stand untouched by flames and clubs
    But the horror rakes my throat,
    The fires are far away
    The fighters are far away,
    Five decades in the past
    And
    A single decade in the past
    And
    Hundreds of miles away

    My daddy was never beaten
    For walking down a street,
    I was never barred from school
    For the color of my cheeks.
    My ancestor's backs never tasted
    The sting of planters' whips,
    And yet breaths of terror
    Struggle through my lips

    Burned down their own ghettos?
    Those held their houses and their shops
    Their schools and their homes
    Their children and their brothers

    The screams
    The screams would've dripped with familiarity
    With filiality!
    The hate wasn't piercing the enemy
    The hate was lashing the common victim

    The enemy...
    The enemy was fading already;
    The lion licked its vile paws
    And clenched its carnal jaws-
    Forswearing its wicked ways,
    (At the barrel of tamer's persuader,
    but a retreat nonetheless)

    My daddy was never beaten
    For walking down a street,
    I was never barred from school
    For the color of my cheeks,
    But the screams scrape at my limbs
    My burning aching limbs...

  • Rookie - 4 Points Jessie Knaggs (4/12/2013 8:09:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Run

    Run to the future
    Run from your past
    Run from your evil
    Run from your pain
    Run as fast as you can
    Run till your cold heart starts to thaw
    Run until the dark becomes light
    Run until your scars start to heal
    Run even though you can’t get away
    You can’t run from the demons in your past
    But still you run
    Run to a new place
    Run to a new life
    Run right into my arms
    Then you’ll never have to run again
    I'll hold you till the pain is gone
    Till you can open your eyes and see a new world
    A brighter kinder world
    Where the pain from your past will be gone
    This is the world i want you to see
    It is the world i dream for you and me

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 4 Points Gabriel Denver (4/15/2013 5:26:00 AM) Post reply

      Hi there, I loved that...wonderful, wonderful wonderful............................

  • Rookie Evans Ampofo (4/12/2013 3:51:00 AM) Post reply

    All I want is you love. i love you so much it hurt. when i think about you i cant breath, because you are my air breath. i feel lose with you. if i have go to hell and back just to be with you just for one day i will because i know God understands how much i love you.i love so much i will die for you. you are my oxygen if i cant breath, so how can breath with you. you my eyes if cant see. i will tell the world how much i love you. people will know how i care you, i am incomplete with you beside. i love you girl.

  • Rookie Stephen Izevbekhai (4/8/2013 7:23:00 AM) Post reply

    Check out my poems; Dreams and Street kids..Both poems are open to constructive criticisms, suggestions and comments..Kindly drop your comments as they may help in improvements..Thanks peers..

  • Rookie - 231 Points Yasmeen Khan (4/7/2013 11:22:00 AM) Post reply

    Silence, a wordless language
    a sea shell held close to the ear with
    the sounds surf sends hissing up
    the sandy beach

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