Critiques and Revision

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  • Rookie - 123 Points Marcquiese Burrell (7/3/2013 3:07:00 PM) Post reply
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    ~I Ain't Ever Love Somebody~

    I know you're no good
    You're a cold-hearted snake
    You've looked me in the eye
    and you'd tell me lies
    I should be headed out the door
    but instead, I chase you like a fool
    I put up with this and what for
    I don't know why you treat me cruel

    One night I'll get tired
    because i couldn't do it anymore
    oh, I hope i'm right
    You got me up all night
    how you treat me it's a shame
    why do I let you hurt me so bad?
    just remember when and if I leave
    I'll be the best you've ever had

    I ain't never loved someone like you
    I ain't ever hurt this bad too
    I ain't ever, i mean never
    loved somebody like you
    Marcquiese Burrell

  • Rookie - 12 Points Niki Nicholas Nkuna (7/2/2013 7:55:00 AM) Post reply

    The sky is the limit, we never reach it but we must keep on striving. Comments on the poem appreciated in anticipation.

    Dreams took me to places I have been before
    And places that are a mirage in dream and reality
    And places that will come a time for me to set foot in
    And those places that will remain many dreams to come
    Dreams and dreams, days and places that never come to pass

    I dreamed of wealth and poverty
    Paradise and hell,
    Roads that twist and turn, rise and decent
    And fall flat like smoke
    Dreams that are like winter and summer
    Those that bring more food and empty plates
    Like big and small trees that all grow but which can never be equal
    The great ones touch the sky and feel God’s fervour welcome and wrath

    I dreamed having horns that stick and stump
    Half a time I lost the fight and regret my mistake when I come to light
    Many a time I knew what I could have done
    And half a time I never did the right things
    Many a time I felt ashamed by the turn of light
    Felt like a coward and never tell the dream
    Half a time I did the right things and felt proud to tell the dream
    Half a time bad things happen to me
    ‘Cause I never knew how to prevent them in my flat state

    I messed myself up, my pride wore thin thus I never can tell the dream
    Half a time good things happen to me in the dream
    I grew horns of smoke and proudly told the dream
    Half a time I saw myself in heaven and earth
    My heart broke on both sides of the planet
    ‘Cause I saw my siblings and friends,
    Smiling happily and crying unhappily
    Like children they never say ‘Yes’ and ‘No’
    And I never knew, never know what to do
    I had to think for them, or tell the dream and hope for decipher
    N Nkuna, 4 November 2012
    South Africa

  • Rookie - 486 Points Adam M. Snow (6/29/2013 7:58:00 PM) Post reply


    Under the Innocent Sky
    By: Adam M. Snow

    Under the innocent sky,
    ever serene and fair.
    Beauty is the stars on high,
    taking away our despair.

    Ever so silent it can be,
    with still a melody that can be heard.
    Close your eyes imagine free,
    with wings stretched wide, like a morning bird.

    Soaring through the dark blue sky,
    ever serene and fair;
    joining with the stars on high,
    feeling the wind between your hair.

    Even though the dream's not true,
    we can still admire from afar,
    the beauty the sky, so dark and blue,
    and the many dancing stars.

  • Rookie - 104 Points Nash Thomas (6/23/2013 1:31:00 PM) Post reply


  • Rookie - 0 Points C.ann Penning (6/17/2013 8:13:00 AM) Post reply


    Crickets play in the dead of night
    A melody, so soft and sweet
    Lulls me quickly off to sleep

    Sold out tickets to the show
    Memories, a matinee
    Cut the reel, don’t let it play

    Wishing from an empty well
    Heads and tails, vacuous legends
    Hopes and dreams, faded, bludgeoned

    Caterpillar grows and grows
    Doomed to die to start anew
    The life I lived, no miscue

    Breaking free from my cocoon
    Leaving my old world behind
    No longer will I be confined

    Crawled to walk and learned to fly
    Seen the world from a distinct view
    Found a life I never knew

  • Rookie - 10 Points Olumide Familusi (6/16/2013 5:01:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies


    Every single day in Africa
    There's a child out there
    Who's hungry and sick without meds.
    And also without shelter and clothing
    Needing for your love and succor

    Every single day in Africa
    A child goes hungry to bed
    Looking badly malnourished and ill-fed
    Not sure where and when the next meal comes
    Lives in slums in unhygienic conditions
    In a bid to break barriers and above par

    Every single day in Africa
    A child drops out of school
    Due to Abject poverty and starvation
    And an inability to pay school fees
    Which results to disillusionment

    Every single day in Africa
    A child is psychologically abused
    Sent out on the cold streets
    To eke out out a living for his family
    Inspite of very imminent dangers on his way

    Every single day in Africa
    A child wakes up to harsh realities
    Sold into prostitution, slavery and crime
    Against their own very wishes
    To a world of hate and bestiality

    Every single day in Africa
    A child is faced with humiliation
    Despair and suppression of own voices
    He cant be heard and he's preyed upon
    In a world where he seeks protection and love

    So many have lost hope.
    Some have had their trust damaged
    Some are living for the day
    Waiting for what tomorrow brings
    In a cruel world that care less
    About the future of the Africa Child...

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  • Rookie - 0 Points C.ann Penning (6/14/2013 2:18:00 AM) Post reply

    The Guardian

    Under the steel twilight skies,
    Under the dawn's fire and ice
    She whispers out to the earth,
    Unveil your dark boundless knight

    Shades of amber, emerald green
    Softly pour silk cyan seas
    Above arctic mountains high
    Set free crystal butterflies

    Glacial lakes and royal streams
    Loose the beast from your labyrinth
    Calve and roll and gently roar
    As iced feathered wings unfold

    With mighty force nature flies
    A majestic shade of blue
    Mesmerizing, scarlet eyes
    He who guards her in the night

    Protects her hopes, all her dreams
    Destroys evil where it lurks
    Talons carve a frozen scene
    Soothes the princess of the deep

    Fiery flames of day arise
    She calls the guard back to hide
    Under sheets of ivory floes
    A sea serpent he returns

    Cleaves the princess to his side
    Sings her soothing lullabies
    Under the dawn's fire and ice
    They lay waiting twilight skies

  • Rookie - 0 Points Yusuf Qomor Olusola (6/7/2013 9:36:00 AM) Post reply

    The Potential Danger

    Prior to the destination along a loading bay
    Where rested a long exuberant wheel
    Moving high on a high way
    With four basements as a standing steel
    A stirring as a controlling blue-ray
    Fuel, as disgusting heavenly sea
    Oil, superior but inferior erosion
    Auxiliary to an already-completed benediction
    Green and white, a distinctive bellowing rendition
    Gallop and steady, of Economy, a potential acceleration

    So truss a fellow!
    Encase in a rickety basin of mediocrity
    For epilepsy to bones has worn him
    Eternal blindness has taken over him
    He is an epitome of epidemics
    A world-weary figure of leprosy
    Projecting him an embodiment of paralysis
    yet of the said wheel, a driver to be

    will the wheel be wheeled to the willing destination?
    Will there be a compromise and not commotion?
    Will the passengers be treated with justification?
    Will the Government not be divided among the nation?

  • Rookie Julianna Mcleod (6/6/2013 10:21:00 AM) Post reply

    Does anyone want to check out my poems and comment on what you think and what I can do better?There's always room for change! ... unless your locked in a tight box... try putting skinny jeanse on in there: P lol I'm just kidding hahaha

  • Rookie Abdu Musa (6/1/2013 6:02:00 PM) Post reply

    A Little Prospect

    I was here to let my emotion go out
    Through the the pipe of poetry art
    So, I started hitting the keyboard
    But, as reluctant was my mind,
    Nothing happened except a little prospect

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