Critiques and Revision


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  • Rookie - 54 Points Dante F. (1/23/2015 2:27:00 PM) Post reply
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    Title: One Step Away From You

    Poem:
    Never more than a drink away from imploding
    Preachers preach
    Faces scream
    Dry words stumble out onto this dusty sheet
    But I can not lie, I am never more than a drink away from collapsing

    God offers promises and hope
    But my hope was slayed to rest long ago
    I pray this dusty sheet carries my last plea
    But I can not lie, I am never more than a drink away from collapsing

  • Rookie - 54 Points Dante F. (1/23/2015 2:25:00 PM) Post reply

    Title: A Dream of Waiting in Line

    Poem:
    I am waiting in line between Heaven and Earth

    God determines a person's purity before admitting each one into heaven or crushing them with his mighty sledge hammer

    Anyone not entering heaven is crushed down by the swing of his sledge hammer

    God gives a muscular and fit form to his brilliant white garments

    Light emanates from his powerful presence

    He has an iron sledge hammer with protruding nodules on the ends of the hammer's head

    When God swings down on the skull of a person, the protruding nodule crushes further through the skull down onto the spine

    The crumbled mess is pushed aside to slide down to Hell

    The site and sounds of crushing, crackling and crumbling bones fills the senses of the next person in line

    I am a few people away from my turn, but can already hear my demise

  • Rookie - 25 Points Terence Willson (1/20/2015 4:39:00 PM) Post reply

    Just looking for some opinions and what not about my poem

    Life has a funny way
    Of unfolding itself
    You can be happy one day
    The next, forgotten on a shelf

    People come and go
    Nobody sticks around forever
    Eventually you get used to the flow
    Do you get over it?Never

    You still venture forth
    Living like everything’s fine
    You try to forget and move on
    Never giving anybody a sign

    You start to stay inside
    Both your house and yourself
    Deep down a part died
    Easier to leave your feelings on that shelf

    You notice yourself start to change
    Not who you used to be
    You start to feel strange
    As you adapt to this new “me”

    Life makes you wonder
    Why do you deserve this?
    Why is your life in sunder?
    What did you miss?

    You wrack your brain
    Figuring out where you went wrong
    Only thing you find is pain
    You start to think you don’t belong

    Slipping into a dense fog
    Your mind begins to shut down
    Feels like your life’s in a bog
    In bad thoughts you drown

    Your sorrows are all you’ve got
    Joy has completely gone
    Everything you’ve sought
    Disappeared, still you carry on

    Soon you stop and think
    Why carry on this pain?
    How much further can you sink?
    Why is it so hard to explain?

    Death creeps in as a thought
    The only way you can find
    To end all this suffering you’re wrought
    To escape the prison of your mind



    Life unfolds in many ways
    Not everybody gets a good hand
    Your whole life could turn ablaze
    Because not everyone’s life is grand

  • Rookie - 0 Points Anthony Michaels (1/18/2015 7:55:00 AM) Post reply

    I have two versions of this poem. I need help picking the best one and then polishing the grammar. I'm not a poet, this is the only poem I've ever written and that was 20 years ago. I have no idea about syntax and how to structure a poem?

    Version 1:

    Knowledge,

    Tool, key to understanding, window to the world, friend to all.

    Family tree that unifies all people and things.

    Lover of history, the arts, science, and all things good.

    Who feels the triumphs, victories, and downfalls of humankind.

    Who needs to be cared for and nurtured.

    Who fears ignorance and misuse.

    Who gives everything to all who ask.

    Inherent in all people.

    Enlightenment


    Version 2:

    Knowledge,

    Tool, key to understanding, window to the world, friend to all.

    Family tree that unifies all people and things.

    Lover of history, the arts, science, and all things good.

    Who feels the triumphs, victories, and downfalls of humankind.

    That needs to be cared for and nurtured.

    Who fears ignorance and misuse, yet gives everything to all who ask.

    Inherent in all people.

    -Enlightenment

  • Rookie - 169 Points Melissa Robinson (1/17/2015 3:52:00 PM) Post reply

    Confessions

    These words are torn from the mind of the hopeless-
    Far to fragile to be spoken; repressed to self-destruction in motion.
    For their own sake I will insist I’m not broken
    as i alter each thought with methamphetamines narcotic potions.

    Terror reeks havoc every night in my dreams;
    My veins are the canvas, image them as they bleed.
    I keep my demons alive, for off my sorrow they feed-
    and my past repeats in my head as if in black and white scenes.

    I draw ice from my pipe- recall his grip, fearsomely tight,
    Then my world shatters around me; I must stay, I must fight.
    Each days darkest hour, each sullen night’s cries-
    Self-Infliction of pain is the only way I know I’m alive.

    Since my earliest of years I have craved suicide-
    images of nooses and razors infect the back of my mind.
    So don’t mourn for me, love, when I choose to die,
    each day on this earth amounts merely of much wasted time.

  • Rookie - 169 Points Melissa Robinson (1/16/2015 12:34:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    Sick in the Head
    (Looking for members to read, rate and comment on poetry,
    I'll do the same.!)


    Empty inside, but not empty at mind-
    For i know this place is not my home.
    Not an ounce of this misery will mend with time-
    In the arms of loved ones, still I feel alone.

    Sick inside of my body, sick inside my mind-
    An illness that spreads deep into my bones.
    Not a thing changes with each waking sunrise-
    I've carved my fate into my tombstone.

    I can't find the strength to simply get out of bed,
    I feel ill in my body because i am sick in the head.
    My thoughts reek of anguish, contemplations of dread
    With an anecdote that has narrowed down only to death.

    But still I grasp hope, maybe one day I'll be fine.
    Don't cry for me, I'm returning home.
    To see bliss on this earth- my eyes, they fall blind.
    But as i fade from existence, i hear them cry, " please, don't go."

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 169 Points Robert Alston Jr (1/25/2015 5:00:00 AM) Post reply

      Such lamentation, and vividness. It is as if the speaker turns to the reader for comfort; for a deeper connection. But at the same time doubts there will ever be a connection or for that matter a bit ... more

    • Rookie - 169 Points Dante F. (1/23/2015 2:30:00 PM) Post reply

      Great! I'd like to read more about how you react to the emptiness that helped you carve out your tombstone. What about it do you or do you not like? Do you fight it or let it wash over you? I believ ... more

  • Rookie - 261 Points Susmita Kumari (1/13/2015 3:59:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    please read this and give reviews.

    Last Moment

    the trumpets of sign of leaving begun,
    just some months left, to cry, miss
    the voyage that we' ve done till now

    the old memories haunts,
    move aside every now and then,
    fills the gaps formed in the deep of the never ending consuming mind,
    retrieve the thirst of the desert with little joys of tear,
    and soon it turns all black,
    the place where we learn, play
    and dream with all our crazy fantasies,
    sheded off quickly in the blink of eye

    the fostering of mind that have obtained
    cries loudly, deep in the core of the heart,
    strong enough to overcome, but afraid
    to take next stair of this new world

    world is like a up-down stairs,
    some falls, some lives,
    but the best part, it never stops
    whosoever may come, he' ve to go
    meet the real world, that falls aside you,
    challenges you, tries to find a place that suits you

    mind ponders it all through
    but who is responsible for this???
    yet don't know

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 261 Points Melissa Robinson (1/16/2015 12:31:00 PM) Post reply

      There is minor grammer issues, but that doesn't matter much to me. It's a beautiful peice, Seeking answers in life, expressing it beautifully with carefully Chosen words. Good job.! ??????

  • Rookie - 261 Points Susmita Kumari (1/13/2015 3:58:00 AM) Post reply

    please read this and give reviews.

    Last Moment

    the trumpets of sign of leaving begun,
    just some months left, to cry, miss
    the voyage that we' ve done till now

    the old memories haunts,
    move aside every now and then,
    fills the gaps formed in the deep of the never ending consuming mind,
    retrieve the thirst of the desert with little joys of tear,
    and soon it turns all black,
    the place where we learn, play
    and dream with all our crazy fantasies,
    sheded off quickly in the blink of eye

    the fostering of mind that have obtained
    cries loudly, deep in the core of the heart,
    strong enough to overcome, but afraid
    to take next stair of this new world

    world is like a up-down stairs,
    some falls, some lives,
    but the best part, it never stops
    whosoever may come, he' ve to go
    meet the real world, that falls aside you,
    challenges you, tries to find a place that suits you

    mind ponders it all through
    but who is responsible for this???
    yet don't know

  • Rookie - 645 Points Muhammad Farhan Ahmed (1/12/2015 1:24:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Read and comment on my poem on
    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/golden-and-red/

    Golden And Red


    The lustre in her eyes tiffany blue
    Is as subtle as a miry leaf's dew
    Her velvety, arrow-straight hair
    Dance charismatically in the air
    Her rosy lips, her dove-white face
    Spellbinds e'ery fellow, who gaze
    Her glitz, her beguiling beauty
    She hears her praises in deep glee
    She's a bumptious beauty queen
    A proud peacock, vain and mean
    For she treasures her enticing flair
    A lover's words but to her are mere

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 645 Points Melissa Robinson (1/16/2015 12:39:00 PM) Post reply

      A very vivid expression of words.! It was read very Fluently, as to put an image in my mind. A very great writing piece for sure.

  • Rookie - 10 Points Megan Ryan (1/12/2015 9:05:00 AM) Post reply

    Wings of Belief

    We were given wings
    Though their not seen
    Their right there
    Without us knowing
    Yet we are aware.

    Those unaware are grounded
    Others begin to notice
    They have a choice
    To take toward the sky.

    At first fear sweeps over
    Legs begin to quiver
    Heart begins to race
    Staring up into space.

    First step is always the hardest
    As I wonder if I can reach it
    To touch the cotton candy clouds
    Gaze upon the setting sun.

    Will I make it?
    I thought to myself
    Will I be able
    To make it up there
    Will this be a piece of cake?

    I have to try
    For me to fly
    Toward the sky
    I shall take flight.

    Spread my wings
    Swallow my fear
    Take a breath
    Time to take off.

    Wings begin to flap
    As I feel my body float
    Feet no longer touching dirt
    I was no longer on Earth.

    Slowly I open my eyes
    And to my surprise
    I was high above
    Endless sky surrounds me
    The land below was smaller.

    This must be what its like
    To feel so free and bold
    Once fear was discarded
    There was no more worry.

    With these wings
    So strong and beautiful
    There's nothing hold me back
    I'm free to fly where I please.

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