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Sarah M. Male, 26, United States (12/10/2013 5:04:00 PM)

Hi! I was wondering if someone could critique this poem. I have to hand it in for English class next week, but I want to make it better.


Pale skin drawn in rigid lines
Stretching itself thinly across the white ribbons
That flow beneath the paper veins,
As the sharp edges of the bones threaten to break skin,
Like needles against worn fabric.

With hollow brown eyes and red chapped lips,
She examines her full-length profile,
Frowning at her fractured perception in the face of the mirror;
She cannot see the stretched skin,
Nor the bones bound for jailbreak;
Blind to the elongated piano keys
Playing themselves across her chest,
Or the fishhooks piercing up from her pelvis
That are matched only by the slender shelves of bone
Protruding from the base of her neck.

Her vision is obstructed
By a diseased mind consuming her time;
Pinching at what is not there
And aiming to lose what has already been lost.

Her spirit wanes, but her will is strong;
She’s been dead for a while, but she is far from done.

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  • Rookie - 169 Points Melissa Robinson (1/5/2014 3:49:00 AM) Post reply
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    0 person did not like.

    This is great.! I loved it you did a good job.

  • Rookie - 10 Points Fiona Schwartzinoff (12/19/2013 12:10:00 AM) Post reply

    I like how you don't tell us that she is dead until the end. The imagery you use is very provocative, like " elongated piano keys" . Morbid yet likable. :) Do you read Emily Dickenson?

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