Treasure Island

Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop


Workshop for poetry written in traditional forms.
Post a message

Click here to list all messages

David Zvekic Male, 41, Canada (6/13/2005 3:29:00 PM)

I would like people's opinions on the very last line.

Spring's Fell Bloom
---
Beyond the valley far below,
There glory of a spring's fell bloom,
Did flourish as wild flowers know
Such music heard from lovers' room.
Past autumn's warmth did hearts disease;
When gentle Halcyone's wings set soar,
To sing of tender happiness on seas,
'Twas only songs from loves before.
Though pale the snows, did reasons warn,
Harsh winter's cloak; past depth of world,
Could but that melody keep warm
The howling wind against love's cold.
Spring swells though season's tears still dry,
Embankments left those rivers fast,
That loose ends should on rapids fly
From love that didn't last.
-


I could make the last line be 'Away from love that didn't last', to keep
the meter consistant but it loses the alliteration from 'fly-From'.
I also fell that perhaps the sudden short stop is appropriate because that
is the theme of the line itself.

However... some people has said the last line felt wrong to them. I
can't but help say 'From love that didn't last' feels better to me.
'Away from love that didn't last' sounds sterile.
Any opinions?
thanks

To post a reply to this message, click here
Replies for this message:

 

  • Philippa Lane (7/25/2005 4:47:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    I think you should write out - 'did not' instead of 'didn't'. Then it reads well.

    I like the poem. It is the first time I have visited the workshop.

    Best wishes, Philippa Lane

  • Dawn Nelson (7/12/2005 1:35:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Just a suggestion, how about: Embankments left those rivers fast,
    Far from a love that did not last.

    Just my opinion, good luck!

  • Seleena Richison (7/11/2005 7:41:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    I think that 'From love that didnt last' is perfect.
    Its more interesting.

[Hata Bildir]