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Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop


Workshop for poetry written in traditional forms.
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Andrew Philips Male, 25, United States (3/9/2005 8:19:00 AM)

Here's a haiku of mine. It is one of my earlier ones.
A Stormy Day

Out of the window,
looking up, I find hope in
jubilant gray puffs.

I'm not realy sure about this one. I have rewriten this one about five times now and it still desn't seem to work right. Any suggestions?

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  • Paul Slinski (3/11/2005 10:30:00 AM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    It's quite simple isn't it?

    Out of the window
    looking up and finding hope.
    Jubilant gray puffs.

    It seems to be a problem with action. Second line.

    Looking up (past tense)
    and we move to present with: I find hope in
    That creates an awkward feeling for the reader to be pushed in two directions within six words.

    At least, that's my opinion and I won't even mention the fact that the haiku does not contain a nature reference (just kidding) .

    -P

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    • Andrew Philips (3/18/2005 8:20:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      First of all, a haiku doesn't have to contain a nature reference. It is a form of poetry like any other and can be on any subject. And thanks for pointing out the past/present contradiction. To fix ... more

    • Lee Ann Schaffer Rookie - 1st Stage (3/12/2005 7:19:00 AM) Post reply

      I like the way you put that. It was what I was feeling too, but you managed to more articulately express it... which is what this is all about, right? -and you did know that the cloud reference ... more

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