Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop
(3/11/2005 10:30:00 AM)
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It's quite simple isn't it?
Out of the window
looking up and finding hope.
Jubilant gray puffs.
It seems to be a problem with action. Second line.
Looking up (past tense)
and we move to present with: I find hope in
That creates an awkward feeling for the reader to be pushed in two directions within six words.
At least, that's my opinion and I won't even mention the fact that the haiku does not contain a nature reference (just kidding) .
-PReplies for this message:
(3/18/2005 8:20:00 AM)
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First of all, a haiku doesn't have to contain a nature reference. It is a form of poetry like any other and can be on any subject. And thanks for pointing out the past/present contradiction. To fix ... more
Lee Ann Schaffer
(3/12/2005 7:19:00 AM)
I like the way you put that. It was what I was feeling too, but you managed to more articulately express it... which is what this is all about, right? -and you did know that the cloud reference ... more
- Andrew Philips (3/18/2005 8:20:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply
Comment of the Day
- A very well constructed poem with perfect rhyming beautifully written