Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop

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  • Jessica H (10/19/2005 4:07:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I would like honest opinions and critiques on this poem. I used to write a lot when I was younger but it's been a while. So please be honest!

    What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

    Everybody would like to know,
    Is there life after love?
    Or will the pain and suffering grow?
    Looking for answers from up above?

    The very first time is always the worst,
    You cry and you beg till you can’t anymore,
    You feel like you are in a sea submersed,
    Doesn’t he understand it’s him I adore?

    Incomprehension of how it could end,
    Spiraling downward, slowly descending
    Analyze whole relationship until ending
    Hatred for him becomes your new best friend.

    Then the broken heart starts to recover,
    You realize one day you are tired of crying
    Tired of hating, and of overanalyzing
    Life moves on, often with a new lover.

    A scar will remain forever in your heart,
    The broken hearted move on with a fresh start.

    Replies for this message:
    • Ernestine Northover (10/31/2005 1:58:00 PM) Post reply

      Hi Jessica, This is a really lovely poem, and my only comment is regarding the last two stanzas. Third stanza - I would perhaps start with the line 'spiralng downward, slowly descending, Incomprehensi ... more

  • D.m. Barber (10/6/2005 2:43:00 AM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    please reply regarding this poem-

    Broken Hearted
    By D.M. Barber

    The hunger within
    Can’t break the fast
    You broke my heart
    You were the last

    For time will pass
    I will grow old
    But the way you loved me
    ‘Twas so cold

    So cold it burns
    It leaves a scar
    So precious and clean
    Carved by a tsar

    The hurt within
    Will come to my grave
    The hurt within
    It makes me a slave

    A broken heart
    The worst pain felt
    But the games not over
    More cards to be dealt

    Replies for this message:
    • Jessica H (10/19/2005 3:45:00 PM) Post reply

      I enjoyed this poem, you have good imagery and you rhyme scheme works nicely. The only suggestion I would make would be 'carved by a tsar' this line sounds a touch awkward to me. Besides that I love ... more

    • Ikazoboh Austine Jeffrey (10/16/2005 9:24:00 AM) Post reply

      hello barber that was a very good one and the rhyming was good. The tone sounds like the poet 'you' just got his heart broken.

  • Elie Abou Chaaya (9/9/2005 6:53:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Hello people,
    i just need professional opinions for 2 of my poems 'my promise' and 'till we meet again', it's very urgent and important. post your opinions directly to me, or in here. i heard people say that i have a unique style of writing. and i'm asking yours. thank you all in advance.

    Till we meet again
    It’s hard to say goodbye, and leave everything behind
    But, my dear, I am forced to leave far away and hide
    Away from you, and weep every moment we spent together
    But what can I do, if faith holds us apart from each other?

    I struggled so long, till I forgot the reason behind the pain
    But all I know, is that every time I see you, my heart beats again
    In stormy nights, and shiny days, summer breezes, and winter bites
    I struggled till I couldn’t no more; I surrendered and delivered the fight

    It’s time to say goodbye, I kiss your hand while I am down on my knees
    Knowing that you will never be mine, denying that you belong to me
    The fight is over, the war is lost, and through the ashes, you will find me
    Alone, broken, screaming your name, as my wounds are killing me

    How I always wanted to say to you how much I love you
    How I desired one honest look from your eyes, into the depths of my soul
    But, you never understand what I want, or you knew and never desired me
    You preferred others, made mistakes, and were too blind to see

    What you’ve done to my heart, what you’ve done to my soul and my mind
    It’s time for me to leave, to tear away what’s left from me, and leave you behind
    How life is not fair, how love is ruthless, how feelings get dissolved and fade away
    I will go to bed tonight, and cry you one last time, and tomorrow, I will start a new day

    I will march the gardens of misery, and try to find a rose, all alone like me
    I will give her love, warm, comfort, water, and sun; I will kiss her thorns and bleed
    And none of you will remain, but a name written on my heart with fire
    You shall always be forever my lost love, my lost need, my lost desire...

    Replies for this message:
    • Ernestine Northover (10/31/2005 1:37:00 PM) Post reply

      Hi Elie, I think you have an awful lot to say in this poem, and in my opinion it needs to be a little bit more concise, but still getting the message across. I think perhaps you are trying to explain ... more

  • Ritika Mane (8/4/2005 10:52:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I think the last line is inconsistant with the entire poem. You could say that it brings one back to reality with a bump, but I don't really think thats what you're going for.

    Replies for this message:
    • Jessica H (10/19/2005 3:57:00 PM) Post reply

      second stanza third line, maybe winter's bite would work better with the rhyme flow third stanza first line, down on one knee might help with the rhyme flow. I also noticed that you tend to put to m ... more

  • David Zvekic (6/13/2005 3:29:00 PM) Post reply | Read 3 replies

    I would like people's opinions on the very last line.

    Spring's Fell Bloom
    Beyond the valley far below,
    There glory of a spring's fell bloom,
    Did flourish as wild flowers know
    Such music heard from lovers' room.
    Past autumn's warmth did hearts disease;
    When gentle Halcyone's wings set soar,
    To sing of tender happiness on seas,
    'Twas only songs from loves before.
    Though pale the snows, did reasons warn,
    Harsh winter's cloak; past depth of world,
    Could but that melody keep warm
    The howling wind against love's cold.
    Spring swells though season's tears still dry,
    Embankments left those rivers fast,
    That loose ends should on rapids fly
    From love that didn't last.

    I could make the last line be 'Away from love that didn't last', to keep
    the meter consistant but it loses the alliteration from 'fly-From'.
    I also fell that perhaps the sudden short stop is appropriate because that
    is the theme of the line itself.

    However... some people has said the last line felt wrong to them. I
    can't but help say 'From love that didn't last' feels better to me.
    'Away from love that didn't last' sounds sterile.
    Any opinions?

    Replies for this message:
    • Philippa Lane (7/25/2005 4:47:00 PM) Post reply

      I think you should write out - 'did not' instead of 'didn't'. Then it reads well. I like the poem. It is the first time I have visited the workshop. Best wishes, Philippa Lane

    • Dawn Nelson (7/12/2005 1:35:00 PM) Post reply

      Just a suggestion, how about: Embankments left those rivers fast, Far from a love that did not last. Just my opinion, good luck!

    • Seleena Richison (7/11/2005 7:41:00 PM) Post reply

      I think that 'From love that didnt last' is perfect. Its more interesting.

  • mujjj bilk (5/31/2005 9:46:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    opinions wanted:

    Love Poem (one of a million)

    Love is a rope
    Impossible to climb
    A needle in hay
    Impossible to find
    Sometimes forgiving
    Sometimes unkind

    Apart from the loss
    Apart from the gain
    Love is not proud
    It does not want fame
    There’s no feeling like it
    There is none the same

    Love has a hold
    On all its possessors
    Constantly touched
    By its caressers
    Always announced
    By its professors

    Love is a rose
    Hidden by thorns
    Along with the joy
    Brings things forlorn
    Each day of sun
    Comes one more storm

    Conniving and sneaky
    Love is for sure
    Trial and error
    The only cure

    Replies for this message:
    • Jessica H (10/19/2005 4:04:00 PM) Post reply

      I would suggest in the second to last stanza putting 'With each day of sun' it just sounds better to me. But I really really really enjoyed this poem. It is wonderful. Thank you!

  • Raynette Eitel (5/31/2005 12:15:00 PM) Post reply

    This is nicely done. Rework the next to last stanza. Read it carefully. It doesn't completely make sense (at least to me.) Your girlfriend won't mind if you capitalize the word 'I.' Your sense of rhythm and rhyme is excellent. Keep writing...and good luck with the girl! :)

  • Roland Jamito Jr. (5/29/2005 10:08:00 PM) Post reply

    Hi everyone. Please, some critic would be appreciated.
    Just an attempt to use iambs on my poem
    (to court a girl who likes poetry) =)
    thank you

    The Riddle

    I had with me a riddle though
    That no one knows the answer so
    For all they have is just a guess
    To throw at me, oh what a mess

    But since you want to hear it then
    My riddle now i'll say it when
    You'll throw a kiss on me and say
    'I'll love you now and everyday'.

    So well I see your bashful smile
    And read your thoughts in just a while
    You've said those words just in your mind
    So here's the riddle; here's the bind:

    In ups and downs, it jumps and shouts
    It looks and feels, for all the bouts
    It knows a song for you to sing
    It likes you more in everything

    Sometimes it cries when you're away
    Sometimes it smiles when you would stay
    And always grieves when you were gone
    For it desires for you and none

    It likes itself to feel this more
    It felt this way like this before
    It has no wings though it can fly
    It could then fall when you pass by

    So here you are at me you stare
    I just don’t know to guess you dare
    But if a clue you wish to know
    to give i cant if that is so

    Just look at me and read my lips
    The chanting on my fingertips
    Or feel the beat within my heart
    If you would wish to answer start

  • Ghendo Quicoy (5/5/2005 11:41:00 PM) Post reply


  • Garry Brown (4/24/2005 5:24:00 PM) Post reply

    Any constructive criticism is very welcome regarding this poem:

    Tenant of the Eaves

    Then one day, after the pall of the freeze
    in the spring of the year, full blown with fragrant ease,
    there came a sparrow to my narrow eaves
    to weave a home out of some remnant leaves.

    The music of its silky throat was shrill
    and in the morning flew aloft to fill
    the waking and the drudge routine with joy,
    transcending the routine ennui employs.

    That music was an antidote to time.
    Clocks froze in the face of the sublime
    and warbling presence near the door
    as if unto a muse they would implore.

    Abolishment of memory's distinction
    between now, and what has passed and what will be
    seemed the purpose of this soft concatenation
    and the point of this wild tenant's melody.

    Then I was taken all at once away
    upon the lilting litany of song
    that ushered itself in before the day
    like the cardinal before the king in long

    and flowing robe of richest cloth
    trimmed in sparkling jewels and soft ermine.
    The king I mean; the cardinal is loathe
    to flaunt material and earthly fine

    for life is given him only to pass
    beyond the gawdy trappings of his task
    and endure a poverty of happiness
    reinforced by daily, flogging penance.

    I am no saint, nor man of spoken vows,
    yet I prefer my pleasures simple now
    and live as though I wait for something, too.
    Something, recalled in birdsong, I once knew,

    something dethroning time's proud majesty,
    fashioned out of innocence and light,
    which sings encomiums to nature's rite,
    and eulogies to all worldly loss of sight

    and disparages our heedlessness of sound-
    a rustling among the leaves or a rumbling of the ground-
    that speaks as if a father showing truth
    to a soul maliciously misguided by its youth

    Thanks in advance!

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