Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop
Wayne Guy Butterfield
(11/28/2005 9:46:00 AM)
Hello, Ernestine, Mary, and other R+R visitors. Does seem a bit sad this workshop gets so little input, so since no one else seems ready to volunteer … hope the following is on topic. I’m new to the site, and have only just begun to write again after ages away from poetry, so I may be way behind on this, but in trying to capture certain things in poems, I am finding that, at least for me, there seem to be times when nothing else works like rhythm and rhyme.
Wrote a poem called Gone a few days ago (copied below) , in which I tried to capture the rolling tide of emotions that the actress Zhang Ziyi goes through in the doorway scene of the movie 2046. If you haven’t seen the film, I might mention it’s received numerous awards, and some critics consider Zhang Ziyi the best actress around these days. The film also has a powerful musical score that often seems like a separate force, engulfing and sweeping the characters along.
When I posted Gone, a couple of members said they liked the rhyme. One seemed neutral. And one suggested deleting the rhyme words from the end of each line. Ironically, my first drafts of Gone did not include the ending rhyme words. I added them (and the cross rhymes and rhythms) because I felt I needed something more to help convey the doorway scene’s music and emotion. Before adding them, I felt it was a bit like watching the scene with the Mandarin soundtrack turned off, and only the subtitles on. But some would obviously disagree.
Just a matter of taste, perhaps. Still, it seemed that some of the questions raised by considering Gone with and without the ending rhyme words might be of interest here. When, for instance, do rhythm and rhyme seem likely to add something special? When are they likely to detract? What kinds of rhythm and rhyme work best with what kinds of poems? How much is it possible to generalize?
Would welcome any thoughts members may have on these or other such points.
She looked into his eyes, hurting
Her lips still pursed, flirting
She took a step forward, halted
Her mouth tried for words, faltered
The line of his jaw, resisting
The glint in his eye, insisting
Her face froze for a moment, cold
She looked down again, old
He spoke softly then, rhythmic
His words seemed to help, sympathetic
She looked up again, searching
Her mind tried to work, lurching
Her arms reached for him, hoping
She almost braved a smile, coping
The quick touch of his hand, drifting
The frame of his body, twisting
He began to move away, betraying
His steps down the stairs, fading
Her heart seemed to stop, broken
She broke into sobs, choking
After so many nights, unending
After so much hope, intending
There was nothing to show
There was nowhere to go
(dedicated to Zhang Ziyi and 2046)
Wayne Guy Butterfield
(11/27/2005 8:09:00 PM)
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Hey.........that went well huh Ernestine?
(11/16/2005 11:48:00 AM)
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Hi, all you rhymers out there. I notice that the Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop doesn't get a lot of input, which is rather sad, so is there anyone out there who would like to contribute with some sensible and interesting information, conversation, fun bits, sad bits, whatever comes to mind, I think it aught to be used as it's here for our benefit. Anyway, anyone want to follow this epistle! ! ! ! ! ! ! If so, over to you. Sincerely Ernestine.
(10/29/2005 6:25:00 PM)
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Hi folks. I am a very recent member. I would like an objective evaluation of my poem. please be honest. thanks. Frank Roth
Find Me In My Poems
You will find me in my poems
If you take the time to see
There’s a little bit of my life
In every one you read
So do not be a stranger
Come on in and close the door
Read about my life of danger
And about the days of yore
You will find some bits and pieces
That could only come from me
And if you look more closely
You may find a family tree
I have never wrote a poem
Till with cancer was diagnosed
Then God granted me this favour
To make my life the most
And if you ever wonder
Whats become of me these days
I may be living up in heaven
Thinking up another phrase
- vote - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
E-mail this poem to e friend
• Send this poem as eCard
----------Replies for this message:
(11/17/2005 5:48:00 AM)
I believe I've left a comment on this poem but I'll say it again Frank.......I love it! Great work! Sincerely, Mary
Dr. A.celestine Raj Manohar Md
(11/4/2005 3:28:00 PM)
Dear Frank, may i suggest that you maintain a 7/6/7/5 syllabic count in each stanza and your poem could become more melodious, i feel. Dr John Celes You'll find me in my poems, If tim ... more
(11/3/2005 5:36:00 PM)
I like this poem I think it's good but the use of the word yore in the second stanza seems a bit awkward and also in the first stanza the rhyme scheme is a little off. That is my opinion not necessar ... more
(10/31/2005 1:47:00 PM)
Hi Frank, This is a nice slick poem, I t ... more
- Mary Nagy (11/17/2005 5:48:00 AM) Post reply
(10/20/2005 8:38:00 AM)
I wrote my first villanelle in June. Please let me know of any suggestions you might have.
My roots lie deep beneath the land,
and anchorline time cannot slay;
they hold against the shifting sand.
I cling to place with my right hand;
minutes and seconds go astray.
My roots lie deep beneath the land.
So stop all motion by command,
and brace against the windy sway;
hold, hold against the shifting sand.
Loose grains of sand flowing unplanned,
while restless thoughts are kept at bay;
my roots lie deep beneath the land.
Force my gypsy-dreams to disband
and keep me fast from time's decay;
just hold- against the shifting sand.
Bind me up with deep soil's firm band.
Cause my heart to still- and pray;
for roots lie deep beneath the land,
and hold against the shifting sand.
(10/19/2005 4:07:00 PM)
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I would like honest opinions and critiques on this poem. I used to write a lot when I was younger but it's been a while. So please be honest!
What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?
Everybody would like to know,
Is there life after love?
Or will the pain and suffering grow?
Looking for answers from up above?
The very first time is always the worst,
You cry and you beg till you can’t anymore,
You feel like you are in a sea submersed,
Doesn’t he understand it’s him I adore?
Incomprehension of how it could end,
Spiraling downward, slowly descending
Analyze whole relationship until ending
Hatred for him becomes your new best friend.
Then the broken heart starts to recover,
You realize one day you are tired of crying
Tired of hating, and of overanalyzing
Life moves on, often with a new lover.
A scar will remain forever in your heart,
The broken hearted move on with a fresh start.
(10/6/2005 2:43:00 AM)
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please reply regarding this poem-
By D.M. Barber
The hunger within
Can’t break the fast
You broke my heart
You were the last
For time will pass
I will grow old
But the way you loved me
‘Twas so cold
So cold it burns
It leaves a scar
So precious and clean
Carved by a tsar
The hurt within
Will come to my grave
The hurt within
It makes me a slave
A broken heart
The worst pain felt
But the games not over
More cards to be dealtReplies for this message:
(10/19/2005 3:45:00 PM)
I enjoyed this poem, you have good imagery and you rhyme scheme works nicely. The only suggestion I would make would be 'carved by a tsar' this line sounds a touch awkward to me. Besides that I love ... more
Ikazoboh Austine Jeffrey
(10/16/2005 9:24:00 AM)
hello barber that was a very good one and the rhyming was good. The tone sounds like the poet 'you' just got his heart broken.
- Jessica H (10/19/2005 3:45:00 PM) Post reply
Elie Abou Chaaya
(9/9/2005 6:53:00 PM)
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i just need professional opinions for 2 of my poems 'my promise' and 'till we meet again', it's very urgent and important. post your opinions directly to me, or in here. i heard people say that i have a unique style of writing. and i'm asking yours. thank you all in advance.
Till we meet again
It’s hard to say goodbye, and leave everything behind
But, my dear, I am forced to leave far away and hide
Away from you, and weep every moment we spent together
But what can I do, if faith holds us apart from each other?
I struggled so long, till I forgot the reason behind the pain
But all I know, is that every time I see you, my heart beats again
In stormy nights, and shiny days, summer breezes, and winter bites
I struggled till I couldn’t no more; I surrendered and delivered the fight
It’s time to say goodbye, I kiss your hand while I am down on my knees
Knowing that you will never be mine, denying that you belong to me
The fight is over, the war is lost, and through the ashes, you will find me
Alone, broken, screaming your name, as my wounds are killing me
How I always wanted to say to you how much I love you
How I desired one honest look from your eyes, into the depths of my soul
But, you never understand what I want, or you knew and never desired me
You preferred others, made mistakes, and were too blind to see
What you’ve done to my heart, what you’ve done to my soul and my mind
It’s time for me to leave, to tear away what’s left from me, and leave you behind
How life is not fair, how love is ruthless, how feelings get dissolved and fade away
I will go to bed tonight, and cry you one last time, and tomorrow, I will start a new day
I will march the gardens of misery, and try to find a rose, all alone like me
I will give her love, warm, comfort, water, and sun; I will kiss her thorns and bleed
And none of you will remain, but a name written on my heart with fire
You shall always be forever my lost love, my lost need, my lost desire...
(8/4/2005 10:52:00 PM)
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I think the last line is inconsistant with the entire poem. You could say that it brings one back to reality with a bump, but I don't really think thats what you're going for.
(6/13/2005 3:29:00 PM)
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I would like people's opinions on the very last line.
Spring's Fell Bloom
Beyond the valley far below,
There glory of a spring's fell bloom,
Did flourish as wild flowers know
Such music heard from lovers' room.
Past autumn's warmth did hearts disease;
When gentle Halcyone's wings set soar,
To sing of tender happiness on seas,
'Twas only songs from loves before.
Though pale the snows, did reasons warn,
Harsh winter's cloak; past depth of world,
Could but that melody keep warm
The howling wind against love's cold.
Spring swells though season's tears still dry,
Embankments left those rivers fast,
That loose ends should on rapids fly
From love that didn't last.
I could make the last line be 'Away from love that didn't last', to keep
the meter consistant but it loses the alliteration from 'fly-From'.
I also fell that perhaps the sudden short stop is appropriate because that
is the theme of the line itself.
However... some people has said the last line felt wrong to them. I
can't but help say 'From love that didn't last' feels better to me.
'Away from love that didn't last' sounds sterile.
thanksReplies for this message:
(7/25/2005 4:47:00 PM)
I think you should write out - 'did not' instead of 'didn't'. Then it reads well. I like the poem. It is the first time I have visited the workshop. Best wishes, Philippa Lane
(7/12/2005 1:35:00 PM)
Just a suggestion, how about: Embankments left those rivers fast, Far from a love that did not last. Just my opinion, good luck!
(7/11/2005 7:41:00 PM)
I think that 'From love that didnt last' is perfect. Its more interesting.
- Philippa Lane (7/25/2005 4:47:00 PM) Post reply