Andrew Waller

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Cockfosters

The next time I see you, I won't ask you
are you happy?
I won't listen for the faintest crack in your voice, when I look in your eyes and you tell me that he loves you as much as I wanted to, as much as I always I knew,
you should be loved.

I know for all regrets- for all things lost, my words are dumb to break the curse of time.

And I know that I'm a fool for turning myself into a shadow, to track the distant traces of your light.

Somewhere out there, there's a girl, with a smile that reminds me of you, who moves with the same music, whose voice stirs the same darkness in my heart.

I know this because- even now, sometimes- I think I see you, in the faces of anonymous girls, moving through crowded streets and on rush hour trains waiting to get home, girls radiating currents of warmth that I cannot explain or simply chalk up to
loneliness or desire.

There are probably hundreds...maybe thousands of girls in this world who are nothing like you,
that I would love just as much, or at least, wouldn't mind hooking up with. And that would be enough to ease this pain, of living- maybe. I don't know. In any case, I'm looking forward to the day- when I forget about you completely.

I'm tired of trying to justify my own self-destruction, tired of rationalizing, why I am- the way I am.

The truth is, I'm a mess, I've always been. Since the age of ten, always dreaming about some girl or another.
Each time, a different girl but always the same vague fear, unable to explain the Shadow, the ghost that I've become. And in the end, always left lonely and alone...

I don't know how I'm supposed to forget about you. I guess it obvious that I still think about you- more than I should,
when I shouldn't be at all.

Awhile back, I figured it out: why you're still on my mind. It wasn't much of a realization, though it might seem strange to believe.
The feelings I had for those few girls that came before, those feelings would always carry over to the next
girl- In some twisted math I never learned to undo.

Every few years or so, a girl would show up in my life like a missing season, and she would set off that strange feeling, as if she were the first girl I ever wanted, and each and every girl since then.

Maybe you're only the most recent girl or maybe just the hottest, my weird complex has fixated on- I don't
know.
I can't say because I know- these thoughts are insanity...If I had someone else, I might not think about you at all,
I'm not sure, maybe.

There's been a few girls since I last saw you, a few plotless stories, some minor adventures, and once,
what might have been love.

But I can't forget the look you gave me once, as if I were the one you were waiting for...as if you were sure
that I would be the one- to set you free. You made me want to be more myself, or maybe someone else,
someone you could love.

For a few years now, I've been trying to bury the thought of you, I've been waiting for every last memory of you
to ember into ash. I guess it's been long enough to admit- it hasn't worked. There doesn't seem to be a way
to forget you completely- so I'll stop trying.

The world and everything in it can burn for all I care, You can tell me it's too late, you can tell me what I
thought was real-
never existed that's ok, I'll survive. I stopped being afraid of the dark a long time ago.

So the next time you see me, appearing from the shadows, a familiar ghost- don't turn away.
Don't be afraid.

Look at me.
If you tell me you're seeing someone, that's fine- I won't ask: are you happy?
If you tell me you're not the same girl I knew- I'll let you know-
you're beautiful.

Don't worry, I won't ask if you'll go out with me tomorrow.

All I ask of you is
come with me tonight.
Jo, come with me tonight...

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